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Cautiously hopeful

It's been a while. I feel like after reading the 5,000 plus pages of "A Song of Ice and Fire" I have nothing left to give. It sucked me dry. I'm not reading anything of note because I simply don't have the energy. Since I have finished that series, I have read 4 murder mystery type books that other than me looking over my shoulder in the shower, didn't illicit any kind of response in me. I told you, George R.R. Martin drained me dry. It may be another whole month until I'm ready to read anything serious. I tried picking up "Pillars of the Earth" which my aunt in law (is that a technical term, I wonder?) gave me but I just can't seem to get into it so I'm putting it aside in hopes of coming back to it with a fresher attitude since she told me it was one of her favorites. When someone I love and respect tells me that, it deserves more than a cursory, half assed read.  The weather is finally getting nicer and because of that, I will be outside more often. My husband and I have started a weekly tennis game and although we suck right now, just being outdoors and doing something active has breathed new life into our otherwise routine boring-ness that enveloped us during the winter months. With new weather always comes new hopes and I have high ones this year. We are moving into a better, more conveniently located apartment soon (fingers crossed), my job is giving me more hours and more responsibility which yes means more money (!) and beach weather is right around the corner. I have every reason to be hopeful but I'm cautious still. The last 2-3 years have really done a number on my optimism. I'm almost afraid of getting excited about anything anymore. I know that will eventually change when we finally have a run of good luck instead of bad but I'm still in a place where I'm fearful of things taking a turn for the worst. I guess being unexpectedly unemployed for so long, having a fire in your apartment building and a string of shitty dead end jobs will give you a different perspective on life for a while that is not exactly peaches and roses. So when I say I'm cautiously hopeful, I mean I'm still sort of waiting for my gym to close down or a new disaster to occur in our apartment building or some other unforeseen crazy disaster that I could never predict. I'm knocking on wood because I'm scared that I just put that in writing. Sometimes I feel a little nuts because I'm always looking over my proverbial shoulder but I can't help it. I know it will change eventually; everything does. I just have to wait it out and appreciate everything that is happening now. Nothing will ever be perfect or exactly as I want it and I guess that is the trick of being happy really - accepting things as they are and not always wanting more. I get stuck in that mentality a lot - I am forever thinking that if only I had more money, if only I didn't live in New Jersey, if only  my friends were closer....what if all of those things magically happened? I guarantee I would find something else I wasn't happy with. So, I'm trying really really hard to accept my life the way it is in this very moment and be grateful for it. Why is this so hard to do?

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