"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."
Its almost New Year's Eve and I like to be reflective upon the year that has passed before diving into the new one. Like every year of life, there has been ups and downs. The older I get the more I realize its not about the volume of highs versus lows that matter but the way we handle them. I'm still working on that. The year started off with my husband and I both collecting winnings in the college bowl pool which gave us a much needed financial boost (yay!). We also celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary with a decadent dinner at our favorite restaurant, "Steakhouse 85." Then because there were 2 highs, there came a low: I got sick. Well, I was sick for a while without knowing but the symptoms of my illness started to really show in the end of January while I was in the midst of interviewing for a new job. Not ideal. I started having debilitating migraines, hot flashes, digestive woes, extreme fatigue and irritability and worst of all: heart problems. I decided not to change jobs and deal with my health issues without adding the stress of a new workplace into the mix. I was finally diagnosed in late March with hyperthyroidism and began the very slow, painstaking process of healing which included not being able to turn to the one thing I have always used for stress relief: exercise. Yes I could walk and do yoga but for me that doesn't give me the hard sweat that I love and crave. Throughout this, I studied for a new certification in nutrition and passed, shocking considering how sick I was at the time. Over the summer, we finally took our first real vacation in 2 years to the Jersey Shore. The hotel was beautiful and I fell asleep to the waves every night and waking to seagulls every morning. We drank fruity frozen concoctions and walked the beach letting the salty air hit our parched winter skin. We played mini golf and read books and played cards when it rained. It was lazy and beautiful and very relaxing. I also had my first big win in Atlantic City: a royal flush in video poker! In September, we moved from our crappy, too many bad memories to count, 14th floor sky prison in Somerset to our cozy new apartment in Red Bank. The move was stressful as moves usually are but it was for the greater good. I also quit my job at my old gym leaving behind a very long commute on the NJ transit bus, a dead end career path and lots of good people and started my new job only 3 days after moving in to our new place. The month of September was a period of adjustment. New apartment, new city, new job. The good part was that I was finally feeling healthy again. I got the green light to start working out at my full capacity and thank god because 20 extra pounds were sitting on me at that point and I was not happy. As always, yoga, running and lifting weights gave me the much needed stress relief from so much change so quickly. What else happened? I read a lot of books, I started studying meditation, I watched a lot of TV, cooked endlessly and wrote as much as I could here in this blog. Those are all the things that happened to me or that I did but it doesn't paint the true picture of my life over this past year. Facts and figures rarely do. What I really got out of the year 2013 is this:
My first major health scare made me feel vulnerable and terrified and nervous. Going through endless blood tests to determine the cause of my symptoms was one of the most nerve wracking of my life, especially when they are testing for cancer. No joke right there. Thank goodness it wasn't more serious but my doctor did say that I can die from my disease if it is not treated correctly so hearing those words makes you see life a teeny bit differently. My husband was an amazing support through it all and I'm grateful I had him. I'm feeling strong again and the medication stabilizes everything but I'll never feel the same I did before I got diagnosed. I can't eat anything I want anymore, I can't drink too much because my liver can barely handle the medication never mind 14 glasses of wine in one sitting. I get tired easily and sometimes I sleep like a baby but many times my sleep is restless. I also lost a good deal of weight through the process. I had people constantly telling me how great I looked when I was thinner - little did they know it was my sickness causing the weight loss not my own doing. Now that I have put the weight back on, no one comments anymore but its ok. As someone who has struggled her whole life with body image issues, I needed this lesson as a reminder that being healthy and a little heavier is better than sick and thin any day. I am finally coming to a place where I am satisfied with my weight. I don't' jump on the scale every 5 minutes and I don't obsess over every little thing I eat. I eat healthier than I ever have in my life and I feel really good for doing it. I'm also in the best shape of my life and I don't take exercise for granted anymore. When my doctor told me I couldn't exercise, I'll be honest, I was a little relived. That was one more thing I didn't have to get done every day but I soon realized how much I missed it and how much it has affected my life. It is the best stress relief there is not to mention it has helped keep my weight in check, my blood pressure down and my energy high. Now that I can run again and lift weights, it feels liberating and not a task to be checked off my to do list. I'm also really strong and there is nothing like knowing you could knock someone out if you had to.
I've learned a lot through being a fitness professional as well especially in the current job I hold now. What got me into this business was a desire and a passion to help not so privileged people get healthy, especially kids. That is not what I am doing and it eats away at me a little bit every day. I am in fact working in a very wealthy environment where people don't' need, they just want a trainer. I took this job because not only is it less than a mile from my new apartment but it has the potential for me to make real money. After leaving my job at Citizen Schools 4 years ago, I haven't made money. I've been unemployed and had a series of dead end part time jobs but this one has true potential. I guess its a sacrifice I have to make to get back on my feet. I'm definitely ashamed that after 4 years, I am still not financially secure. Maybe you say that I shouldn't feel this way; that a lot of what happened isn't my fault but I do feel embarrassed and I think that is part of the reason I have isolated myself somewhat from the people I love. Also because I am so broke, I have no money to do the things we once did together: dinner, drinks, movies, etc. When you have $20 sitting in your bank account, its kinda hard to buy dinner these days unless you go to Taco Bell which don't even get me started....my financial situation wears on me and sits on my heart like a stone. That is why I took a job that I don't love - its in hopes of feeling self sufficient again. I need to feel that too because I have always been at least somewhat independent and having to rely on others to live is hard. On a positive note, it has taught me that there is grace in accepting help from others and that not having money helps you learn to differentiate between what you need and what you want. Do I need that 36th pair of shoes? no, do I want that 36th pair of shoes, of course but the world isn't going to end if I don't have things. Going through this has also humbled me. Before this, I was always, well usually successful at whatever I tried. Now, I have failed too many times to count but I have gotten up every time I've been knocked down and I'm proud of that. I'm also proud that I was brave enough to take the steps to change my career. It takes guts to leave something familiar and especially something you are skilled in, to venture into a whole new career not knowing what it will hold. Some days I love what I do; like when my group of ladies I just finished training all got together and put money in a card for me to buy something nice for myself or when my 14 year old high school girl hugs me every day or when I get told I'm an inspiration for always being so positive and encouraging to everyone. Sometimes that positivity feels like a mask but other times I really do feel that way. Other days I struggle with my life choices. I guess this is part of getting older and trying to find the path to true happiness. There are a lot of things I love about my life: my apartment is comfortable and warm, my cats are a pain in the ass but I love them, I have a lot of free time to read, do yoga, workout, cook and write. And most of all my husband who loves me unconditionally and supports every single decision I have made good and bad. There are a lot of things I don't have that I thought I would at this point in my life: mainly security and a career I was settled and successful in but life rarely goes the way we think it will.The trick is to be at peace with where you are at any given moment. Easy right? Ha! I might be a little lost at times and a lot nervous about what comes next for me but I do know that I can handle whatever that may be. I also know that I love myself faults and all and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am a better person now than I was a few years ago when my life was more secure and I knew what I was doing. Go figure!
But what I have realized the most over this year is that I'm not as good as I want or should be about keeping in touch with my loved ones. There are so many moments throughout my day where something will happen and I will think of someone I love and smile. It makes my day a little bit easier when this happens but I don't often call or text or email them to tell them that and I should. I don't get to Boston to see everyone as much as I would like (see above and my pesky financial situation) but it doesn't mean I don't think of my parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, friends old and new every single day. My one resolution this year (I usually don't make them but this one seems worth it) is to make my loved ones more a part of my life.
Some other random things I have learned this year: I can in fact be a morning person (when you are forced to work the 5 am shift at the gym it leaves you now choice) and like it. My Dad would be so proud. He's been trying since I was 14 to turn me into this species. Things that were funny in high school are still funny now. There is a certain friend I am thinking of here - she knows who she is :) Rich people really do live differently than the rest of us. The writers of "Dexter" colossally, royally, beyond repair screwed up their final season. "Game of Thrones" and "The Walking Dead" are the best shows on tv and I am a geek about both of them. I want to be Jennifer Lawrence when I grow up. Twitter sucks. There is nothing that a good laugh can't cure.The only way to get over the Candy Crush Saga obsession is to treat it like ripping off a bandaid - one pull painful but necessary. Having fun is no longer defined by many, many drinks and a foggy memory the next morning but by walking the beach in the morning, playing stupid games with my husband, discovering a great book or an engrossing movie, chatting with an old friend and going for a good run. Lastly, I'm convinced I could win the million dollars on "Survivor" if they ever let me on.
I know the new year will bring new adventures, new friends, new stories and new lessons but as this year fades away, I say thank you for the hardships, joys, stresses, opportunities and beauty you have brought into my life. They have made me a better me. Happy New Year!
Its almost New Year's Eve and I like to be reflective upon the year that has passed before diving into the new one. Like every year of life, there has been ups and downs. The older I get the more I realize its not about the volume of highs versus lows that matter but the way we handle them. I'm still working on that. The year started off with my husband and I both collecting winnings in the college bowl pool which gave us a much needed financial boost (yay!). We also celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary with a decadent dinner at our favorite restaurant, "Steakhouse 85." Then because there were 2 highs, there came a low: I got sick. Well, I was sick for a while without knowing but the symptoms of my illness started to really show in the end of January while I was in the midst of interviewing for a new job. Not ideal. I started having debilitating migraines, hot flashes, digestive woes, extreme fatigue and irritability and worst of all: heart problems. I decided not to change jobs and deal with my health issues without adding the stress of a new workplace into the mix. I was finally diagnosed in late March with hyperthyroidism and began the very slow, painstaking process of healing which included not being able to turn to the one thing I have always used for stress relief: exercise. Yes I could walk and do yoga but for me that doesn't give me the hard sweat that I love and crave. Throughout this, I studied for a new certification in nutrition and passed, shocking considering how sick I was at the time. Over the summer, we finally took our first real vacation in 2 years to the Jersey Shore. The hotel was beautiful and I fell asleep to the waves every night and waking to seagulls every morning. We drank fruity frozen concoctions and walked the beach letting the salty air hit our parched winter skin. We played mini golf and read books and played cards when it rained. It was lazy and beautiful and very relaxing. I also had my first big win in Atlantic City: a royal flush in video poker! In September, we moved from our crappy, too many bad memories to count, 14th floor sky prison in Somerset to our cozy new apartment in Red Bank. The move was stressful as moves usually are but it was for the greater good. I also quit my job at my old gym leaving behind a very long commute on the NJ transit bus, a dead end career path and lots of good people and started my new job only 3 days after moving in to our new place. The month of September was a period of adjustment. New apartment, new city, new job. The good part was that I was finally feeling healthy again. I got the green light to start working out at my full capacity and thank god because 20 extra pounds were sitting on me at that point and I was not happy. As always, yoga, running and lifting weights gave me the much needed stress relief from so much change so quickly. What else happened? I read a lot of books, I started studying meditation, I watched a lot of TV, cooked endlessly and wrote as much as I could here in this blog. Those are all the things that happened to me or that I did but it doesn't paint the true picture of my life over this past year. Facts and figures rarely do. What I really got out of the year 2013 is this:
My first major health scare made me feel vulnerable and terrified and nervous. Going through endless blood tests to determine the cause of my symptoms was one of the most nerve wracking of my life, especially when they are testing for cancer. No joke right there. Thank goodness it wasn't more serious but my doctor did say that I can die from my disease if it is not treated correctly so hearing those words makes you see life a teeny bit differently. My husband was an amazing support through it all and I'm grateful I had him. I'm feeling strong again and the medication stabilizes everything but I'll never feel the same I did before I got diagnosed. I can't eat anything I want anymore, I can't drink too much because my liver can barely handle the medication never mind 14 glasses of wine in one sitting. I get tired easily and sometimes I sleep like a baby but many times my sleep is restless. I also lost a good deal of weight through the process. I had people constantly telling me how great I looked when I was thinner - little did they know it was my sickness causing the weight loss not my own doing. Now that I have put the weight back on, no one comments anymore but its ok. As someone who has struggled her whole life with body image issues, I needed this lesson as a reminder that being healthy and a little heavier is better than sick and thin any day. I am finally coming to a place where I am satisfied with my weight. I don't' jump on the scale every 5 minutes and I don't obsess over every little thing I eat. I eat healthier than I ever have in my life and I feel really good for doing it. I'm also in the best shape of my life and I don't take exercise for granted anymore. When my doctor told me I couldn't exercise, I'll be honest, I was a little relived. That was one more thing I didn't have to get done every day but I soon realized how much I missed it and how much it has affected my life. It is the best stress relief there is not to mention it has helped keep my weight in check, my blood pressure down and my energy high. Now that I can run again and lift weights, it feels liberating and not a task to be checked off my to do list. I'm also really strong and there is nothing like knowing you could knock someone out if you had to.
I've learned a lot through being a fitness professional as well especially in the current job I hold now. What got me into this business was a desire and a passion to help not so privileged people get healthy, especially kids. That is not what I am doing and it eats away at me a little bit every day. I am in fact working in a very wealthy environment where people don't' need, they just want a trainer. I took this job because not only is it less than a mile from my new apartment but it has the potential for me to make real money. After leaving my job at Citizen Schools 4 years ago, I haven't made money. I've been unemployed and had a series of dead end part time jobs but this one has true potential. I guess its a sacrifice I have to make to get back on my feet. I'm definitely ashamed that after 4 years, I am still not financially secure. Maybe you say that I shouldn't feel this way; that a lot of what happened isn't my fault but I do feel embarrassed and I think that is part of the reason I have isolated myself somewhat from the people I love. Also because I am so broke, I have no money to do the things we once did together: dinner, drinks, movies, etc. When you have $20 sitting in your bank account, its kinda hard to buy dinner these days unless you go to Taco Bell which don't even get me started....my financial situation wears on me and sits on my heart like a stone. That is why I took a job that I don't love - its in hopes of feeling self sufficient again. I need to feel that too because I have always been at least somewhat independent and having to rely on others to live is hard. On a positive note, it has taught me that there is grace in accepting help from others and that not having money helps you learn to differentiate between what you need and what you want. Do I need that 36th pair of shoes? no, do I want that 36th pair of shoes, of course but the world isn't going to end if I don't have things. Going through this has also humbled me. Before this, I was always, well usually successful at whatever I tried. Now, I have failed too many times to count but I have gotten up every time I've been knocked down and I'm proud of that. I'm also proud that I was brave enough to take the steps to change my career. It takes guts to leave something familiar and especially something you are skilled in, to venture into a whole new career not knowing what it will hold. Some days I love what I do; like when my group of ladies I just finished training all got together and put money in a card for me to buy something nice for myself or when my 14 year old high school girl hugs me every day or when I get told I'm an inspiration for always being so positive and encouraging to everyone. Sometimes that positivity feels like a mask but other times I really do feel that way. Other days I struggle with my life choices. I guess this is part of getting older and trying to find the path to true happiness. There are a lot of things I love about my life: my apartment is comfortable and warm, my cats are a pain in the ass but I love them, I have a lot of free time to read, do yoga, workout, cook and write. And most of all my husband who loves me unconditionally and supports every single decision I have made good and bad. There are a lot of things I don't have that I thought I would at this point in my life: mainly security and a career I was settled and successful in but life rarely goes the way we think it will.The trick is to be at peace with where you are at any given moment. Easy right? Ha! I might be a little lost at times and a lot nervous about what comes next for me but I do know that I can handle whatever that may be. I also know that I love myself faults and all and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am a better person now than I was a few years ago when my life was more secure and I knew what I was doing. Go figure!
But what I have realized the most over this year is that I'm not as good as I want or should be about keeping in touch with my loved ones. There are so many moments throughout my day where something will happen and I will think of someone I love and smile. It makes my day a little bit easier when this happens but I don't often call or text or email them to tell them that and I should. I don't get to Boston to see everyone as much as I would like (see above and my pesky financial situation) but it doesn't mean I don't think of my parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, friends old and new every single day. My one resolution this year (I usually don't make them but this one seems worth it) is to make my loved ones more a part of my life.
Some other random things I have learned this year: I can in fact be a morning person (when you are forced to work the 5 am shift at the gym it leaves you now choice) and like it. My Dad would be so proud. He's been trying since I was 14 to turn me into this species. Things that were funny in high school are still funny now. There is a certain friend I am thinking of here - she knows who she is :) Rich people really do live differently than the rest of us. The writers of "Dexter" colossally, royally, beyond repair screwed up their final season. "Game of Thrones" and "The Walking Dead" are the best shows on tv and I am a geek about both of them. I want to be Jennifer Lawrence when I grow up. Twitter sucks. There is nothing that a good laugh can't cure.The only way to get over the Candy Crush Saga obsession is to treat it like ripping off a bandaid - one pull painful but necessary. Having fun is no longer defined by many, many drinks and a foggy memory the next morning but by walking the beach in the morning, playing stupid games with my husband, discovering a great book or an engrossing movie, chatting with an old friend and going for a good run. Lastly, I'm convinced I could win the million dollars on "Survivor" if they ever let me on.
I know the new year will bring new adventures, new friends, new stories and new lessons but as this year fades away, I say thank you for the hardships, joys, stresses, opportunities and beauty you have brought into my life. They have made me a better me. Happy New Year!
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