Happy Birthday to me!

Next week I will officially enter the last year of my 30s. Yikes! I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect upon what that means for me.  I would like to say that after the tumultuous 20s where everything is high drama and emotional angst, the 30s calm down and adulthood takes over. Although it is partly true, I feel like my 30s were the hardest decade yet. When I was in my 20s I thought everything was a big deal: no one understood my struggles, no one had it worse, there was injustice everywhere and only me to fight it. It was exhausting but it was also a blast...I could party all night and still go through a full work day relatively unscathed, I had no attachments, I changed jobs with ease and boyfriends with nonchalance. I went into my 30th birthday guns blazing but quickly leaned that the body can't handle the things it did with ease once 30 hits. My nights out started ending earlier and my days at the job got longer and more complicated. Bills got higher and I no longer felt like the center of my own universe. Life got a little more serious all of a sudden: marriage, career decisions, money issues and responsibility replaced parties, recklessness and carefree decisions. It sounds depressing and for a while it was. I think we all struggle with identity at some point in our lives and my 30s was definitely that for me. I shed many layers and grew different skins as I moved through making big decisions and confronting hard truths. Relationships shifted and some went away for good. Thus is the cycle of life as we age. After experiencing so many firsts in the teens and 20s (first boyfriend, first job, first heartbreak, etc.) the 30s are typically a time to reflect upon our experiences and make choices based on what we have seen and learned. I also think that is why there is so much drama and angst in your 20s - going through something for the first time is nerve wracking and uncertain and downright scary. I made a lot of big decisions in my 30s and I am still adjusting to them. I got married, moved out of the area I had lived most of my life, changed careers, broke ties with people who no longer brought value to my life and chose the lifestyle that best suited who I was becoming. I made hard choices. Those choices brought along anxiety, fear, uncertainty and at times real unhappiness but they also brought wisdom, insight and perspective. I am a far different me on the cusp of 39 than I was at 31 and I am more proud of who I am today and although it has been a challenging 9 years, I wouldn't change it. The other day at my job, I had a one on one meeting with my bosses and in it, they asked how I thought everything was going. I said it was fine although it isn't. The reason I did this is because through experience I have learned to distinguish when a situation is going to change because of what I say or do or when it isn't. Previously (even as recent as a few months ago) I would have let loose with everything I thought was wrong and unfair about my work environment and the aftermath would have been that management views me as negative and unwilling to be a team player. Now, I realize that acceptance of a situation does not mean you agree with it, it just means that keeping your mouth shut is the best form of self preservation.  One of the 20 something trainers walked out the office having done exactly what I would have when I was 26: let loose with everything he thought unjust and unfair and he immediately regretted it and asked me what he thought would happen next. It was interesting to be the person on the other side of the fence this time; being asked for advice. I am viewed as calm, collected and professional if not a bit aloof at my job and it is the first job that this is the case. I have learned that it is the best way to be in some situations because when there is too much emotional attachment, you cannot leave the job where it needs to be: at the job and not constantly in your head. You may not agree with my decision to keep my mouth shut - you may think me weak and cowardly for not speaking my mind. You have a right to your opinion and my old self probably thinks I'm being a little bitch but my new self knows that this new path I tread is the right one. I am no longer the squeaky wheel because lets face it, the grease is messy and sticky and no one wants it. I would much rather be thought of as humble, hard working and quiet than loud, inflammatory and disillusioned. I am learning to not take everything personally and that everyone has their own shit to deal with and most of the time, no one is thinking about you.

I also realized that I don't often live the philosophies I deeply believe in - for example: being true to oneself. I toss that around a lot but do I really live it? I care too much about what others think of me and I am still too easily influenced. I am working on that. I used to subscribe to every fashion magazine out there because I thought it was cool to know a lot about fashion but I recently cancelled all of them because I realized that I don't give a shit. I don't want to look at young, gorgeous, too skinny white women in clothes I will never be able to afford. Yes I love clothes and shopping but that is not what these magazines are about: they are about trying to make us all look and act the same. My first act in living my life philosophy is to say: fuck that! Be gone Vogue, Marie Claire and Allure....I'm burning them along with all my bras. One of the girls at my job who is in her early 30s always comes to me after having read an article with some new idea or ground breaking study and asks my opinion. The most recent one involved a study by some doctor/scientist who is claiming gluten is responsible for causing Alzheimer's disease. She was completely bought in by it and all fired up telling me how she thinks its true and isn't it scary and she'll never eat bread again and I just looked at her and told her it was horse shit. She thought I was being crazy not to consider it. I remember being young and getting fired up about some new idea or new gadget and swearing off of things only to slide back into reality a few weeks or even hours later. I don't have energy for this. I'm not trying fads or banning bagels from my life anymore. I eat what I want when I want and everyone can shut up about it.

Although becoming older comes with a lot of unwanted inconveniences (more gray hair, a few extra pounds, not being able to function on less than 8 hours of sleep - actually who are we kidding with that one? I haven't been able to do that since I was 10) I am embracing maturity. I like being the one the young trainers come to for advice, I like being the calm, rational one in the storm of fiery, save the world 20 somethings,  I like taking care of myself  by eating right and exercising and I like being firm in my beliefs and choices.  I don't have anything to prove. I am not trying to be someone else.. I may still be unsure of a lot of things but I like who I am becoming. My choices and hard decisions framed me and taught me a lot of valuable lessons. My 30s gave me an amazing husband, a ton of different work experiences, friendships that will last a lifetime and I got to realize one of my biggest lifes dreams by going to Paris. Not so bad eh?



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