Trying

I've been trying to shift my mindset lately. So much of what I have thought and felt over the last few years has been very negative. Not surprising considering much of what I went through but now it is time to move past the negativity and grief and suffering and move into gratitude, growth and healing. I have been reading and listening to things that are helping me do this. I am reading a book called, "Three Magic Words." It was given to me by a member at my gym and it is about shifting your mind set to think more positively about your situation and how to attract abundance and joy into your life. It is very new agey and I don't really buy into all of what it is preaching but I do believe a good amount of it. I am also listening to a number of podcasts that address life's challenges and how we can face them in a way that will help us learn from our experiences and grow into better versions of ourselves. I am trying to shift away from wanting more material abundance like money and a place of my own and instead focusing on having more joy, more gratitude, more appreciation. I have actually been given a gift. If I look back on the person I was 7 years ago, I was selfish and closed and unhappy. I didn't really think I was but if I dig deep, the truth is that something was missing from my life. I had a stable job, a place of my own, and an active social life but I wasn't happy. At the time, I thought money and possessions equated success. I distinctly remember a trip to Maine I took with my mother and sisters back in 2007. We took this girls trip every November since I was 16 years old - it was a get away that I looked forward to every year and it was centered around spending time together, eating and drinking good food and wine and outlet shopping. Most years, I couldn't afford to buy much but it was still a great time but this particular year, I was making real money. I was more excited about buying things that hanging out with my family. I remember buying a $300 coach purse because I believed I had earned it. I still have that purse and I used to look at it and think, "I made it!" but now I look at it and realize it means nothing. Did that purse truly  make me happy the way I thought it would? Of course not. I used to fill my life with plans and with stuff because I was afraid to uncover the truth behind why I was doing that. I remember I hated having idle time. Every second of my day was usually filled with something. If it wasn't work, it was being out with friends or watching some stupid show on TV or going shopping or cleaning the house. I also always complained that I never had time for myself but what would I  have done with it if I had? Sit in stillness? Listen to my inner voice? Meditate? Enjoy the natural world around me? Ha! I do those things now but then, I was afraid to. I guess I was afraid to find out what was really inside me. Did I think I would find a demon or a monster waiting to pop out and scare me? More like I was afraid that I was not doing what I was meant to do with my life. I was not living my true purpose. Because my true purpose has nothing to do with being exhausted all of the time and buying things to fill a hole that was only growing bigger.

The gift I have received these past 7 years of being poor was that I learned not to place such value on material things and through that, to find my way to my true purpose in this life. If I had not lost everything, I never would have learned to appreciate the intangibles in life the way I am starting to now. I would have gotten lost in the everyday grind of life. I have always been an empathetic and compassionate person but I was also angry and scathing and bitter at times. Now, I have opened up to my compassionate side much more. I find that I have become so much more aware of the suffering and the joy of others, almost to a fault. I always was a crier and a sensitive type but now I am even more so. If I go on Facebook and see a picture of a dog or a cat that is missing, I cry like a baby. It physically hurts me to see others suffering, especially animals. People can be so cruel and I used to turn a blind eye to so much of it but now I see it everywhere. I also see the good in people more - I know that we are all connected and all trying to live our journey and do the best we can. It has made me less angry towards mean people. I realize how unaware they are of the world around them. I know because I used to be one of them. I truly believe that none of this would have happened had I not gone through the last 7 years of difficulty. Now, when I do have the things I lost back - my security, money to pay bills, my own place to live, I won't take them for granted. At least I hope I won't. I will also make a conscious effort to use my money to help others, not to flaunt coach purses. I think my journey now is about becoming the best version of my self I can possibly be. It is not about what job I have or how many pairs of shoes I own. It is about what I do every day on a small scale that matters. Was I nice to the person that treated me badly at work or did I talk about her behind her back to my co-workers all day? Did I offer up my seat on the subway to the mother with a baby? Did I send light and love out to the homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk or did I just look away? Did I watch the sunrise over the east river? Did I tell my husband I love him? Did I hug my cats? Did I call my parents? These are the things that make my life meaningful and help me live out my true purpose. When I do have money again, I hope I can use it to better myself so I can help more people that are lost because I know what it feels like to be drifting without a paddle. I'm not saying that I am all the way there - that I am the next Dali Lama...far from it. It is a process and one I struggle with everyday. Tomorrow, I may wake up angry and bitter again and write something mean and nasty. I am doing my best to not let the negative emotions last. If I have them, I honor them, let them out either in writing or by venting to a friend of my husband and then I move on. I do yoga and meditate and start over. Isn't that the best any of us can do?