I was listening to a TED talk yesterday on my way home about Identities. I have to credit a lot of these with the ideas I get for these posts. They bring up such interesting topics! Various speakers were breaking down what identity means and how they identify themselves. I've been pondering this since I listened and I'm not sure what I think. When someone looks at me they see a 40 year old blonde white woman but that is such a fraction of who and what I am. My heritage is purely Lithuanian and my roots can be traced back generations but I have never personally stepped foot in Lithuania. Am I truly Lithuanian any more or less than someone who was born there and lived their whole life there? What about someone who was born in Lithuania but has parents who are French? Are they more Lithuanian than me who has only Lithuanian blood in my veins? I was born in Boston, does that make me a Bostonian even though I no longer call that my home? It is very difficult to define identity. In our society, we are often defined by our occupation. What you DO is more scrutinized than WHO you are and I find that reasoning pretty warped. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when executives at a big company that make 6 figure salaries treat their housekeeping staff or front desk staff as lesser humans because they deem their work as not as important. Sometimes, no correction MOST times our jobs do not define who we are or who we identify as. It is a piece of who we are for sure but not the whole picture. When we first meet someone new, 9 times out of 10 they will ask what you do for for a living right off the bat. Am I right? As someone who has changed careers often, how can I be identified on what I do? Its impossible. All of my jobs have contributed to me being the person I am today but collectively they don't crack the surface of what makes me, me. We judge other people on certain aspects of their identity. Just watch a Tea Party Republican and a staunch Democrat go at it or an atheist and born again Christian. People with extreme beliefs often judge others for having an opposing belief. A born again Christian may fail to see an atheist's volunteering at a homeless shelter as an act of God because they have already decided that this person can't be "christian like." Beliefs are a part of our identities for sure but how much? For some its a lot - they build their entire lives around their belief system. Lets keep with the example of a devout religious person. Perhaps they go to church every day or a bible study group and their occupation is at a religious based organization or they may even be a minister or a nun or a priest. In their spare time, maybe they read religious texts and/or go on religious retreats. For this person, their identity is strongly associated with this belief system. If you asked them what they do or who they are they will probably answer that they are a a Christian or a Muslim or a Buddhist, etc. As you can see, there are so many facets to this and so many ways in which we can identify ourselves. How do I identify myself? What aspects of my identity do I most strongly associate with?
Lets start with my heritage. Like I stated, I am Lithuanian but I have never stepped foot on Lithuanian soil. We ate Lithuanian food on holidays and my Aunt used to take me to the Lithuanian club in South Boston for events but that is the extent of my knowledge. My father spoke only Lithuanian until he was about 9 years old. His mother never learned English. I remember him telling me that he was determined to learn English because he was embarrassed to be Lithuanian. He wanted so badly to fit in with all the Italians and Irish in the neighborhood so he hid his heritage as best he could and tried desperately to be only "American." Now at the age of 84 he remembers nothing of the language he grew up speaking. For him, his identity as a Lithuanian was something to be ashamed of and I don't know if he ever got over that. Perhaps his parents wanted to forget the difficult life they fled from when they moved to America and so didn't instill a sense of cultural pride into my father and his siblings. My parents didn't discourage us learning about our heritage but they didn't really talk much about it. To them we were Americans. What makes some people identify so strongly with their culture and others to essentially shun it? Lithuania itself went through an identity crisis several times throughout its history. It was taken over by Russia and then Nazi Germany during WWII and then by the Soviet Union during the Cold War. It wasn't declared an Independent country until the early 90s so maybe that is why it is so hard to identify as purely Lithuanian. When I was working in Boston at the afterschool program, we had a cultural day where we encouraged the kids to come dressed in the colors of their nations flag and to bring traditional dishes to a potluck we were having that night. 90% of the students were of Haitian, Dominican and Puerto Rican heritage and they were very proud. They had flags, they painted their faces and they wanted to talk about what made their culture so special. They had a sense of pride that I had never identified with. I guess it all depends on how much this is instilled in you as a child. As an adult, I took it upon myself to learn more about my ancestors and country of origin but I can't say that being Lithuanian is a part of my identity that I closely associate with.
Being a woman is another huge part of my identity and that has influenced my life probably more than anything else. If I had been a man, how would my life had been different? I venture to say in every way it would be different. I come from a family of very strong women. Growing up, my mother was very stern. She didn't take any crap from any of us but she also has a very giving spirit and a huge heart. My sisters are all strong, smart and successful and I looked up to all of them as a kid. As an adolescent and teenager my Aunts were always around helping my family in one way or another. Men weren't absent from my life, its just that theirs wasn't as strong of a presence as the women. I grew up learning that women were strong and smart and tough and so my identity as a woman is consequently very strong. Its why I get very defensive when men in my life have told me they want to take care of me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and in fact, until I met my husband I was sure I wouldn't marry because I was happy being alone and independent and capable. The man I married knows this about me and loves me for it not despite it. I feel like I have had more to prove as a woman in some areas of my life. In fitness for example, if you put me in a room with all men working out, I will try to best them. I get a lot of satisfaction from being able to hang with the men during a tough workout. In my gym we are launching a new exercise program and we all had to try it out yesterday. It was an extremely challenging workout and I am proud to say that I did more push ups(real push ups not the girly on your knees kind) than the big strong guy I was paired up with. I never want to be viewed as weak simply because I am a woman and that is one of the reasons why I keep myself in such good shape. As a kid, I liked to get dirty and play outside but I also liked to play with barbies and paint my nails. Often, we put kids in a box - girls have to be dressed in pink; boys in blue. Boys should play with trucks; girls with dolls. If a girl likes sports she is called a tomboy...what does that word even mean? Its stupid. The lines shouldn't be so clear when it comes to gender. If a boy plays with dolls does that automatically make him gay? Maybe he will be but maybe not. Maybe he just likes dolls. Maybe he will grow up identifying with being a woman more than a man. I feel for transgender people because it has to be so hard in this judgement based society to dare to be different and embrace who you really are inside. I guess that's what this whole identity thing is all about - embracing who we FEEL we are inside without the judgments of society crippling us from living fully as ourselves. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true." If only that were easier to practice.
Other parts of my identity have to do with my morals and belief system. I think we all live our lives by some kind of code. My code has to do with being the best version of myself that I can, treating everyone with kindness, being open minded, having a solid work ethic, balancing my personal life with work and laughing at life's absurdities. I try to live my life by actions that support these beliefs. I am not always successful but who among us can say that they are? Being the best version of myself means that I am constantly trying to learn from my mistakes and experiences but it also means keeping myself physically and emotionally healthy. Regular exercise, a well rounded diet, Yoga and meditation take care of my spiritual and physical well being while reading books, watching my favorite shows, listening to podcasts, having nights out with my husband and visits with my family keep me emotionally strong. When I don't take time for myself, I feel unbalanced and unbearably cranky. I am not a type A that always needs to be moving and doing. I know that I can only be the best version of myself when I have this balance. This week, I overextended myself a bit with work and I felt so exhausted that I took a nap every day when I got home. I give myself that time because I know I need it to be able to give my best the next day. I also know that if I have a hard week, then the next week I ease up. I believe in working hard and committing to a job no matter what it is. There was as woman that worked at the gym part time for a couple of months. She called in sick several times and left in the middle of her shift to get breakfast or make personal calls and her reasoning was that the job was only part time so who cares? I bristled at that because when I take a job, I commit and if I find that its not for me, I leave. Of course there have been times when I have slacked off, everybody has but I am on time every day, I do all the tasks I am assigned in a timely manner and I rarely take days off. That is what feels right to ME. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I'm just saying that its an innate part of who I am. I try also to see every side to every story - lately I have been disgusted with Facebook because of the amount of political ranting that is happening. We are in the midst of one of the most significant elections of our time and it has caused such polarizing opinions. There are people on my feed who just slander the candidates and anyone who dares oppose their views. They are filled with such hatred and anger. No matter how strongly I believe in something, I try to never hate anyone. I may be angry and I may heartily disagree but I will try to see the other side and I will try to be as compassionate and understanding as possible. I am also not one to shout my beliefs from the rooftops. I will study and examine and scrutinize every angle until I find out all the information I need to make an informed decision and then most times, I keep it to myself instead of when I am writing this blog. Even here though, you won't ever catch me preaching. I will share what I think and believe but hopefully never in a way that feels preachy or condescending. Lastly, I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. Where there is an absence of fun, there is an absence of soul. I felt the most miserable in my life when I couldn't laugh at myself or at life. I think it is really important to incorporate laughter, fun and silliness into every day. I think anyone close to me recognizes this in me. The times I have felt the least like ME have been the times where I was so down, I couldn't laugh. I never want to be in that place again or else who would I be, really?
Lets start with my heritage. Like I stated, I am Lithuanian but I have never stepped foot on Lithuanian soil. We ate Lithuanian food on holidays and my Aunt used to take me to the Lithuanian club in South Boston for events but that is the extent of my knowledge. My father spoke only Lithuanian until he was about 9 years old. His mother never learned English. I remember him telling me that he was determined to learn English because he was embarrassed to be Lithuanian. He wanted so badly to fit in with all the Italians and Irish in the neighborhood so he hid his heritage as best he could and tried desperately to be only "American." Now at the age of 84 he remembers nothing of the language he grew up speaking. For him, his identity as a Lithuanian was something to be ashamed of and I don't know if he ever got over that. Perhaps his parents wanted to forget the difficult life they fled from when they moved to America and so didn't instill a sense of cultural pride into my father and his siblings. My parents didn't discourage us learning about our heritage but they didn't really talk much about it. To them we were Americans. What makes some people identify so strongly with their culture and others to essentially shun it? Lithuania itself went through an identity crisis several times throughout its history. It was taken over by Russia and then Nazi Germany during WWII and then by the Soviet Union during the Cold War. It wasn't declared an Independent country until the early 90s so maybe that is why it is so hard to identify as purely Lithuanian. When I was working in Boston at the afterschool program, we had a cultural day where we encouraged the kids to come dressed in the colors of their nations flag and to bring traditional dishes to a potluck we were having that night. 90% of the students were of Haitian, Dominican and Puerto Rican heritage and they were very proud. They had flags, they painted their faces and they wanted to talk about what made their culture so special. They had a sense of pride that I had never identified with. I guess it all depends on how much this is instilled in you as a child. As an adult, I took it upon myself to learn more about my ancestors and country of origin but I can't say that being Lithuanian is a part of my identity that I closely associate with.
Being a woman is another huge part of my identity and that has influenced my life probably more than anything else. If I had been a man, how would my life had been different? I venture to say in every way it would be different. I come from a family of very strong women. Growing up, my mother was very stern. She didn't take any crap from any of us but she also has a very giving spirit and a huge heart. My sisters are all strong, smart and successful and I looked up to all of them as a kid. As an adolescent and teenager my Aunts were always around helping my family in one way or another. Men weren't absent from my life, its just that theirs wasn't as strong of a presence as the women. I grew up learning that women were strong and smart and tough and so my identity as a woman is consequently very strong. Its why I get very defensive when men in my life have told me they want to take care of me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and in fact, until I met my husband I was sure I wouldn't marry because I was happy being alone and independent and capable. The man I married knows this about me and loves me for it not despite it. I feel like I have had more to prove as a woman in some areas of my life. In fitness for example, if you put me in a room with all men working out, I will try to best them. I get a lot of satisfaction from being able to hang with the men during a tough workout. In my gym we are launching a new exercise program and we all had to try it out yesterday. It was an extremely challenging workout and I am proud to say that I did more push ups(real push ups not the girly on your knees kind) than the big strong guy I was paired up with. I never want to be viewed as weak simply because I am a woman and that is one of the reasons why I keep myself in such good shape. As a kid, I liked to get dirty and play outside but I also liked to play with barbies and paint my nails. Often, we put kids in a box - girls have to be dressed in pink; boys in blue. Boys should play with trucks; girls with dolls. If a girl likes sports she is called a tomboy...what does that word even mean? Its stupid. The lines shouldn't be so clear when it comes to gender. If a boy plays with dolls does that automatically make him gay? Maybe he will be but maybe not. Maybe he just likes dolls. Maybe he will grow up identifying with being a woman more than a man. I feel for transgender people because it has to be so hard in this judgement based society to dare to be different and embrace who you really are inside. I guess that's what this whole identity thing is all about - embracing who we FEEL we are inside without the judgments of society crippling us from living fully as ourselves. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true." If only that were easier to practice.
Other parts of my identity have to do with my morals and belief system. I think we all live our lives by some kind of code. My code has to do with being the best version of myself that I can, treating everyone with kindness, being open minded, having a solid work ethic, balancing my personal life with work and laughing at life's absurdities. I try to live my life by actions that support these beliefs. I am not always successful but who among us can say that they are? Being the best version of myself means that I am constantly trying to learn from my mistakes and experiences but it also means keeping myself physically and emotionally healthy. Regular exercise, a well rounded diet, Yoga and meditation take care of my spiritual and physical well being while reading books, watching my favorite shows, listening to podcasts, having nights out with my husband and visits with my family keep me emotionally strong. When I don't take time for myself, I feel unbalanced and unbearably cranky. I am not a type A that always needs to be moving and doing. I know that I can only be the best version of myself when I have this balance. This week, I overextended myself a bit with work and I felt so exhausted that I took a nap every day when I got home. I give myself that time because I know I need it to be able to give my best the next day. I also know that if I have a hard week, then the next week I ease up. I believe in working hard and committing to a job no matter what it is. There was as woman that worked at the gym part time for a couple of months. She called in sick several times and left in the middle of her shift to get breakfast or make personal calls and her reasoning was that the job was only part time so who cares? I bristled at that because when I take a job, I commit and if I find that its not for me, I leave. Of course there have been times when I have slacked off, everybody has but I am on time every day, I do all the tasks I am assigned in a timely manner and I rarely take days off. That is what feels right to ME. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I'm just saying that its an innate part of who I am. I try also to see every side to every story - lately I have been disgusted with Facebook because of the amount of political ranting that is happening. We are in the midst of one of the most significant elections of our time and it has caused such polarizing opinions. There are people on my feed who just slander the candidates and anyone who dares oppose their views. They are filled with such hatred and anger. No matter how strongly I believe in something, I try to never hate anyone. I may be angry and I may heartily disagree but I will try to see the other side and I will try to be as compassionate and understanding as possible. I am also not one to shout my beliefs from the rooftops. I will study and examine and scrutinize every angle until I find out all the information I need to make an informed decision and then most times, I keep it to myself instead of when I am writing this blog. Even here though, you won't ever catch me preaching. I will share what I think and believe but hopefully never in a way that feels preachy or condescending. Lastly, I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. Where there is an absence of fun, there is an absence of soul. I felt the most miserable in my life when I couldn't laugh at myself or at life. I think it is really important to incorporate laughter, fun and silliness into every day. I think anyone close to me recognizes this in me. The times I have felt the least like ME have been the times where I was so down, I couldn't laugh. I never want to be in that place again or else who would I be, really?
Comments
Post a Comment