Life has never felt so raw as it does right now. I have had a bunch of set backs lately that have sent me reeling. Sometimes just when you think you have a handle on things, the universe says, "Ha, you thought you were in charge of your life didn't you?" I guess I still have much to learn. I really thought I had it all together. I was enjoying my down time being unemployed: practicing yoga, doing meditation, spending time with friends, writing - all positive, growing into a better person activities. I was so proud of myself. Then self doubt starting creeping in; slowly so I didn't really notice it at first. It started with me starting to watch the show, "My 600 lb life." If you have never seen this show, I advise you strongly to stay away. One episode turned into 2 which turned into me going through every episode on demand I could find. Let me give you a brief rundown of what this show is about in case you didn't get it from the title. It follows people who weigh a whole lot through a year of their life as they try to reclaim their independence. These people are mostly invalids who have to turn to family and friends to handle all of their basic needs. Many of them are just normal people who let self pity and indulgence get completely out of control. They are on the verge of death yet can't change on their own. I am totally and utterly fascinated with this show because I think I understand how this can happen to someone and it terrifies me. I can see how one poor choice can spiral out of control. I feel like this is happening to me right now: I feel a complete inability to make a correct choice for myself. I am afraid of getting to the point where I need other people to pull me out of utter destruction. I know I have no basis for this but fear is never really based in reality is it? This show also made me spiral into a pity party: how are these people able to collect disability insurance from the government because they couldn't control their eating but I am denied unemployment insurance because one person in one government job decided based on one paragraph that I wasn't qualified to receive it. How is this fair? Well, its not. Usually I can move past these small injustices in life but lately I can't. It has gotten me into a mental place where all of a sudden nothing is fair. I'm seeing injustice and inequality everywhere. Do you want to know how many petitions I have signed recently on behalf of animal welfare? The number is embarrassing.
Basically what has happened to me is that I am plagued by self doubt which has crippled me in a way that surprises me. I have been on a handful of job interviews and none of them have panned out. I did get a pretty decent offer but the job was a corporate bullshit job that would mean selling my soul. Although I have zero money coming in, I had to turn it down. At 41 years old, I cannot compromise who I am. In the final interview for this position, the 2 older men in suits that were conducting the interview told me that my resume is the most impressive they have seen in a long time. If this is true, why am I limiting myself? I should be able to pick and choose what I want to do at this point. If not, than what the hell has 25 years of work experience done for me? I have done a lot with the years I have worked. I am impressive so why such doubt? Because I do not in any way want to spend my days doing anything that diminishes my light. Catering to rich people who live in 4 million dollar apartments in NYC is doing nothing to let my natural talents shine. In fact, I would die a little every day if I had to do a job like that. It just feels so hard right now to find a job that will make me financially secure and fill my soul up. Does it exist? I don't know and that is where my existential crisis comes in. What the fuck is it all for?
In the midst of all of this, my cat who has been with me for almost 11 years is very sick. We may have to say our goodbyes to her very soon and it is devastating me. I cried for 48 hours after coming home from the vet. It has made me reflect a lot about grief and the fragility of life. Back when I was 26, 3 friends of mine died within the same year. One of them was a close friend and when he was in hospice dying of cancer, he asked me to visit and I didn't. I couldn't face it. I tried to avoid feeling the emptiness, the overwhelming sadness of a life ending. I pushed it down so much that it came out in other, very unhealthy ways. Now, with Coco potentially dying, I am doing everything I can to face it. I am spending time with her, letting her know I love her, feeling the pain. It is brutal but I will have no regrets when she goes. There is something beautiful in grief that I wasn't able to see when I was younger. It is an opportunity to reflect on your relationship to that person or animal. It is a chance to love them dearly. It is a chance to be there for them. I have not always been good at this in my life. I am currently changing that. I am not avoiding any of it but facing it head on no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts. Badly. I used to shy away from feeling so much. I am an emapth: I feel so much for other peoples pain. I physically feel it and when I was younger it was too overwhelming. Now I know it is a blessing because it allows me to be there for people in a unique way. It allows me to see how precious each and every life is. I'm getting choked up just writing this. I have so much love to give but I also bruise easily and this is something that has peppered my life with struggles. This will never change so I am in the process of learning how to accept this about myself.
I am also reaching a point in my life where I will start to lose more people. My parents are 80 and 85. How much more time do I realistically have with them? I have had to face this recently. I will not have them around forever. I have to make sure the people and animals I love know that I love them. It is so easy in times like this when life's petty struggles creep in to forget about the big picture of life. It will never matter if I pay my bills on time or if I put that last load of laundry in the dryer or cleaned the kitchen floors. What will matter is how I spread my love out - who did I let into my life? How did I love them? Was it enough? Did they know I loved them with all the depth of my being or did they doubt if I cared? These are the questions that matter. Maybe this existential crisis I am in is a good thing - how many of us get this chance to reflect so deeply on what their life has meant? I am blessed to be in this moment. I am grateful to be sitting here alone listening to Michael Buble with a breeze blowing through my open window, a glass of red wine next to me, my kitten Nymeria napping on the chair,. I was blessed with the gift of words to share with you all about the process of my life unfolding - the revelations, sorrows and struggles and true rawness of life. No matter what happens or where I am, I at least have that.
Basically what has happened to me is that I am plagued by self doubt which has crippled me in a way that surprises me. I have been on a handful of job interviews and none of them have panned out. I did get a pretty decent offer but the job was a corporate bullshit job that would mean selling my soul. Although I have zero money coming in, I had to turn it down. At 41 years old, I cannot compromise who I am. In the final interview for this position, the 2 older men in suits that were conducting the interview told me that my resume is the most impressive they have seen in a long time. If this is true, why am I limiting myself? I should be able to pick and choose what I want to do at this point. If not, than what the hell has 25 years of work experience done for me? I have done a lot with the years I have worked. I am impressive so why such doubt? Because I do not in any way want to spend my days doing anything that diminishes my light. Catering to rich people who live in 4 million dollar apartments in NYC is doing nothing to let my natural talents shine. In fact, I would die a little every day if I had to do a job like that. It just feels so hard right now to find a job that will make me financially secure and fill my soul up. Does it exist? I don't know and that is where my existential crisis comes in. What the fuck is it all for?
In the midst of all of this, my cat who has been with me for almost 11 years is very sick. We may have to say our goodbyes to her very soon and it is devastating me. I cried for 48 hours after coming home from the vet. It has made me reflect a lot about grief and the fragility of life. Back when I was 26, 3 friends of mine died within the same year. One of them was a close friend and when he was in hospice dying of cancer, he asked me to visit and I didn't. I couldn't face it. I tried to avoid feeling the emptiness, the overwhelming sadness of a life ending. I pushed it down so much that it came out in other, very unhealthy ways. Now, with Coco potentially dying, I am doing everything I can to face it. I am spending time with her, letting her know I love her, feeling the pain. It is brutal but I will have no regrets when she goes. There is something beautiful in grief that I wasn't able to see when I was younger. It is an opportunity to reflect on your relationship to that person or animal. It is a chance to love them dearly. It is a chance to be there for them. I have not always been good at this in my life. I am currently changing that. I am not avoiding any of it but facing it head on no matter how much it hurts. And it hurts. Badly. I used to shy away from feeling so much. I am an emapth: I feel so much for other peoples pain. I physically feel it and when I was younger it was too overwhelming. Now I know it is a blessing because it allows me to be there for people in a unique way. It allows me to see how precious each and every life is. I'm getting choked up just writing this. I have so much love to give but I also bruise easily and this is something that has peppered my life with struggles. This will never change so I am in the process of learning how to accept this about myself.
I am also reaching a point in my life where I will start to lose more people. My parents are 80 and 85. How much more time do I realistically have with them? I have had to face this recently. I will not have them around forever. I have to make sure the people and animals I love know that I love them. It is so easy in times like this when life's petty struggles creep in to forget about the big picture of life. It will never matter if I pay my bills on time or if I put that last load of laundry in the dryer or cleaned the kitchen floors. What will matter is how I spread my love out - who did I let into my life? How did I love them? Was it enough? Did they know I loved them with all the depth of my being or did they doubt if I cared? These are the questions that matter. Maybe this existential crisis I am in is a good thing - how many of us get this chance to reflect so deeply on what their life has meant? I am blessed to be in this moment. I am grateful to be sitting here alone listening to Michael Buble with a breeze blowing through my open window, a glass of red wine next to me, my kitten Nymeria napping on the chair,. I was blessed with the gift of words to share with you all about the process of my life unfolding - the revelations, sorrows and struggles and true rawness of life. No matter what happens or where I am, I at least have that.
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