Ease up

The last time I wrote things were not going so swimmingly for me. Not much has changed but my attitude definitely has. I am notoriously hard on myself. I tend to get into spirals of self pitying behavior and I abhor myself for doing that and then it just creates a vicious cycle. When I look at the big picture, I clearly see that I am lucky and privileged in so many ways. Simply being white and American automatically make me luckier than 90% of the world. That being said, it is still hard on a day to day basis to live life when things are not breaking your way. When this happens to me, I try to step back and have some perspective. I went to my doctor today to get results of my physical. I have been feeling crappy and with my past history of thyroid issues, I thought it would be a good time to get a check up. I also have gained 8 pounds over the winter which is alarming. While I was waiting to be seen by the doctor, I looked around at the other people waiting: an overweight man in a wheelchair, a mother with a disabled child, a middle aged woman needing an emergency appointment with the on staff psychiatrist. It made me see the suffering that is all around but it also helped me to see how truly blessed and lucky I am. I have so much that most don't: a loving family, a safe place to live, healthy food to eat, a great education, years and years of solid work experience, a fit and healthy body and the ability to feel gratitude for all of it. Once my doctor called me in to discuss my results, I got nervous. What if there was something horribly wrong ? What if my thyroid issue was back and I had to start on medication again? What if everything I have done to keep myself healthy and fit has been for naught? I need not have worried because my tests came back perfect. There was nothing wrong and in fact my doctor praised me for being her healthiest patient. She knows the struggles I have been having - weight gain, irritability, stress, low energy, insomnia. Turns out that it is simply age related hormonal issues which every woman my age goes through. She praised me for taking excellent care of myself and told me that she wished every patient lived the kind of healthy lifestyle that I do. I got emotional and when I looked at her she was emotional too. I saw in her eyes her desire for me to not be so hard on myself. It was the first time I was able to really see myself through someone else's eyes. I mean my family tells me these things all the time but my doctor plays a different role in my life. A health expert was telling me to ease up on myself - she told me that she would be angry at me if I gave up my only vice - wine. She wants me to stop berating myself because I am making really good choices and I needed that. I told her how much it meant for me to hear her tell me that I am doing so much right. When everything in life feels like it is not going your way, to hear that you are doing something right was uplifting in a way I didn't even know I needed. Being unemployed can feel very solitary. I get lonely and disconnected from people. It felt nice to have that connection with Dr. White today. She is a gift in my life and I am grateful for her.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, I feel more optimistic. I am trying to do more with my days. I go for a walk every day outside even when I don't feel like it. I always feel better when I do. I throw on a podcast and enjoy the fresh air. The other day I had an early morning meeting about a freelance job I am doing and after the meeting, I took a long walk in Central Park, It was before 9am and the park was peaceful. That is almost never the case. It was the shot of adrenaline I needed. Being in nature is always so rejuvenating. Signs of spring were everywhere and it was lovely. Even though living in NYC is hard, it is pretty amazing that there is a slice of paradise right in the middle of the chaos. In 2 more hours, I'm sure the park would have been chaos, but I happened to catch it early on a weekday morning and it was glorious. I also just finished an online writing course called, "Heal yourself through writing" and it really helped me articulate some of the struggles I have been having. They haven't gone away but things came to the surface that surprised me in a good way. I was able to release some fear and anger I had been holding on to. I have been consistently writing and it helps. I am also seeing a therapist because sometimes you gotta admit that you can't do it all on your own. I have definitely hit that point and I am not ashamed. No one should ever be ashamed to ask for help. I used to be and I realized it was just pride getting in the way. I had to drop some of my pride and seek out help so I can live each day just a little lighter.