What is that saying about 7 years of bad luck? That if you break a mirror, you will have bad luck, blah, blah, blah. Well I must have really smashed the shit out of a mirror seven years ago because I can trace back all of my bad luck back to 2010. I mean this is good news though right? Its 2017 so that means that the cycle ends this year. Although really when I think about it, my bad luck started in 2008-2009 so I should be well behind the bad luck streak at this point. 2008 is when my troubles at my former job started. In that year, I was denied a well deserved raise, a student of mine died, the principal at my school was being investigated for fraud, my office was vandalized on a regular basis, I was almost attacked by a student. I could keep going but I'll spare you the rest of the gory details - I in effect quit that year but they begged me back for one more year giving me the raise I had earned but at a price: they decided to also shut down my program so after 2009, I would be out of a job whether I wanted to leave or not. I then spent the latter half of 2009, unemployed and searching for what was next. I had spent 8 years at the same organization moving up and growing; investing so much of my time and energy into it. I was lost for the rest of 2009; adrift in a sea of uncertainty about the direction I wanted to take. By 2010, I had decided to pursue a career in fitness and then during the latter half of that year, I moved to New Jersey. The first job I got there was waitressing because I wasn't yet certified to be a personal trainer. I worked that job for 3 months and then they closed down. The first job I had in almost 2 years ended in just 3 short months. Bad luck wouldn't you say? I then couldn't find another job despite my best efforts. I sent out resumes by the batch, worked on my education and even walked the streets handing out my resume to shop and restaurant owners. No luck. Then after a few months of this, I finally got an interview at a busy popular restaurant near my apartment. The day of the interview, my apartment building had a fire. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt but we ended up having to live in a hotel for 11 days. Bad luck? Yup.
Finally I got a job in the fitness industry in the latter part of 2011. It was actually a pretty good job and I did well there for the first few months. It seemed that my luck was changing. Then, I got sick. I lost 30 pounds, suffered debilitating migraines, heart palpitations, digestive issues and crippling fatigue. I pushed through working through it but eventually hit a wall and was finally diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in 2012. The next year of my life was filled with monthly blood work, endless doctors appointments and trying to heal without missing a day of work. Then our cat got sick too. He died that year. But my husband got a new, very promising job so despite all of the bad luck, it seemed things were looking up. We also decided to move at this point because we had a series of bad events at the apartment we were living in: since the fire, the alarm went off every other day, we had mold growing in the floor, something broke at least every week and they were raising the rent. This was our sign to go. We moved in the latter half of 2013. Amazingly, I found a job in the town we were living. My commute was a mile walk! It was awesome. Again, I thought our luck was changing for the better. Pretty shortly after this, things started going awry at my husbands job. His boss seemed to be targeting him in a very negative way for reasons we still haven't figured out. His boss took away our health insurance, began giving my husband a hard time for everything, refused him a raise and in general made his life at work miserable. We tried to push through but things were not easy. We were struggling financially and emotionally. In 2015, my husband lost that job and we ended up having to hire a lawyer and go to battle with his now former employer because he was fighting his right to unemployment insurance. The trial dragged on for a few months and in the meantime, the only money we had coming in was from my salary and it wasn't enough. The stress of money was so overwhelming at this point that I got sick again. I had been in remission from my thyroid disease for a year and a half but the stress brought it all back. It was then that we had to admit we needed help.
In the latter half of 2015, we moved out of New Jersey and in with my husbands parents in the Bronx. We went from living alone to having to share a house with 3 other people. We kept all of our stuff in boxes in the basement as we prepared to start life over again at age 40. We were broken emotionally, financially and physically. Those first few months I was in a daze. I would send out resumes and try not to think about how much of a failure at life I felt. I had a series of ridiculously bad interviews. I ran all over NYC interviewing at yoga studios, gyms, offices, etc. We had zero money coming in so we were both desperate to find something. I can't tell you how many hours I spent on the NY subway system during this period. The number is obscene. During this, my husbands 84 year old grandmother was living with us and very sick. While his parents were at work, we helped take care of her. It was tough. We were living in the house my husband grew up in with none of our own stuff, sharing space, trying to find work and helping to care for his ailing grandmother. I was also still trying to heal my body from my recent bout of thyroid disease. In November of 2015, I finally found a suitable job. It was in a gym but it was an administrative position - one that was far below my skill level and pay grade but it was what I needed at the time. I couldn't handle job stress on top of life stress so I accepted one that wouldn't add to the load I was already carrying. For a while, things were good although my husband had a harder time finding work. Thankfully, his parents were helping us out financially but he was getting frustrated. He eventually found some part time, temporary work but nothing permanent so financially we were still struggling. It was at this point that he decided to enter graduate school and I got a promotion at my job. Great things right? Well....shortly after those events, his grandmother passed away. That was hard and I was trying to adjust to a new position that I wasn't sure was right. I took the promotion because it would mean a lot more money and benefits. We needed that. But then, things took a bad turn. Bad luck again? For sure. There was a reshuffling of the deck in our department and before I knew it, both of my bosses whom I loved were gone. I was left to run the department with no support or help and to boot, I had a disagreement with the executive director who then went on to make my life miserable. It was shades of what had happened with my husband that caused our move to NY. To say I was panicked would be an understatement. I think I had a mild form of PTSD. I ended up quitting because I couldn't handle the emotional strain. I did find a job before I quit so I wasn't just walking away with no plan. Thankfully, my husband finally got a full time job with benefits so that was a positive. I was set to start my new job shortly after leaving but then another bad omen. My new boss told me he didn't think he could give me the hours he promised. A few panicked emails back and forth later, I no longer had that job. It was supposed to be a part time job walking dogs until I figured out where I wanted to go next. Turns out, he didn't have the client base. He made promises he couldn't keep.
Ok, at this point it was starting to feel like I must have killed a priest in a former life. Why was life so devastating? And why couldn't both my husband and I thrive at the same time? When one of us was up, the other was down. We are smart, educated, experienced, good hearted people. Was this all really bad luck? I wish I could say that it ended there but it didn't. There is more....
In the winter of 2017, I applied for unemployment because the director of HR in my former job said I should. She said I was exposed to a hostile work environment and I had a very good case. You guessed it, I was denied. I had a little money saved but not much so I could afford to be out of work for a couple of months. Here we go again, I thought. Another period of sending out resumes and running all over the city on interviews. This process was exhausting to say the least. I had a series of pitfalls again. I went all over the place interviewing: one of them required me to travel almost 2 hours to the deep recesses of Brooklyn. I had auditions, 3rd and 4th interviews, written and verbal tests to complete. It was absurd. Oh and did I mention that all of these were part time positions? I did get a fairly decent offer but when I dug deeper, they were going to pay me 30,000 to work 50 -60 hours. Really? No thanks. I would keep searching. During this time, everything I had been through caught up with me. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed I was so tired. I was spiritually tired. Now if you have never experienced this, it is the worst kind of fatigue you can imagine. I wasn't sleeping but I was always tired. I was losing faith. I am a positive person by nature but I was really losing faith. I had no money, I was constantly checking my email to see if I had a new interview lined up and I was laying awake at night worrying about everything. For years now, nothing I was doing seemed to be working. I felt like all I could do was make mistakes. I tried everything to reduce the stress I was under: yoga, brutal cardio workouts, natural sleeping remedies, meditation, journaling, therapy. Yes, I went to therapy during this time and while it helped somewhat, ultimately I didn't feel like the therapist really understood the devastation I was feeling. Somewhere in the spring of 2017, I hit an wall. I just couldn't do anything. I couldn't bring myself to keep job searching. There were days I would just sit in bed and cry. I felt like a complete and utter failure at life. I just couldn't catch a break. At some point, this all had to end right? At some point, good luck had to come to me. God knows I had enough bad luck. The law of averages has to be on my side. It had to!
It is now late June 2017 and I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for the tide to turn. Despite all of the bad breaks, I have hope. Maybe that is utter stupidity but what else do I have if I don't have hope that finally, one of these days I will get a phone call or email with a lucky break. Some people wait their whole lives for a lucky break and maybe that is my fate. God knows other people have it worse and through all of my hardship, I remember to be grateful for what I do have. I mentally run through a list of my blessings every day. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but it doesn't make what I have gone through any less devastating. Is it brave or stupid to keep hoping that one of these days, I will thrive?
I recently completed a course called, "Self discovery through collage." It's basically a combination of art and writing therapy. Since I am a creative soul, I have latched on to this. One of the writing prompts asked me to write about one of my weaknesses: one of the things I am not proud of and hope to change. I wrote about how I feel like I have not gone through all of these "bad luck" trials with grace. I wish I had more grace to accept what has happened to me. I put bad luck in quotes because I'm not sure that is. Yes, it sounded good for the purpose of the post and gave it a common thread but honestly, I know it is not all luck. Some of it is yes. The fire in my apartment building? My cat getting sick and dying? Yes, bad luck. Out of my control. But I made a lot of choices and a lot of bad choices and that is on me to own. I want to own my choices and my mistakes with grace. Up to this point, I am not sure I have. What is life really but a series of lessons to awaken us to who we truly are? Has this all been one big test? What would my grade be coming out of it? An A for effort for sure but conduct? Hmmmm probably a C at best. Isn't it how we respond to what life throws at us more important than the actual events?
With over half of my life over (god willing) what do I want to remember from this half? All of the shitty stuff I just wrote about or how I picked myself up from it all and moved the fuck on? I turned 42 the other day and enough wasting time on bad luck. I need to push all of that aside and create some good luck for a change.
Finally I got a job in the fitness industry in the latter part of 2011. It was actually a pretty good job and I did well there for the first few months. It seemed that my luck was changing. Then, I got sick. I lost 30 pounds, suffered debilitating migraines, heart palpitations, digestive issues and crippling fatigue. I pushed through working through it but eventually hit a wall and was finally diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in 2012. The next year of my life was filled with monthly blood work, endless doctors appointments and trying to heal without missing a day of work. Then our cat got sick too. He died that year. But my husband got a new, very promising job so despite all of the bad luck, it seemed things were looking up. We also decided to move at this point because we had a series of bad events at the apartment we were living in: since the fire, the alarm went off every other day, we had mold growing in the floor, something broke at least every week and they were raising the rent. This was our sign to go. We moved in the latter half of 2013. Amazingly, I found a job in the town we were living. My commute was a mile walk! It was awesome. Again, I thought our luck was changing for the better. Pretty shortly after this, things started going awry at my husbands job. His boss seemed to be targeting him in a very negative way for reasons we still haven't figured out. His boss took away our health insurance, began giving my husband a hard time for everything, refused him a raise and in general made his life at work miserable. We tried to push through but things were not easy. We were struggling financially and emotionally. In 2015, my husband lost that job and we ended up having to hire a lawyer and go to battle with his now former employer because he was fighting his right to unemployment insurance. The trial dragged on for a few months and in the meantime, the only money we had coming in was from my salary and it wasn't enough. The stress of money was so overwhelming at this point that I got sick again. I had been in remission from my thyroid disease for a year and a half but the stress brought it all back. It was then that we had to admit we needed help.
In the latter half of 2015, we moved out of New Jersey and in with my husbands parents in the Bronx. We went from living alone to having to share a house with 3 other people. We kept all of our stuff in boxes in the basement as we prepared to start life over again at age 40. We were broken emotionally, financially and physically. Those first few months I was in a daze. I would send out resumes and try not to think about how much of a failure at life I felt. I had a series of ridiculously bad interviews. I ran all over NYC interviewing at yoga studios, gyms, offices, etc. We had zero money coming in so we were both desperate to find something. I can't tell you how many hours I spent on the NY subway system during this period. The number is obscene. During this, my husbands 84 year old grandmother was living with us and very sick. While his parents were at work, we helped take care of her. It was tough. We were living in the house my husband grew up in with none of our own stuff, sharing space, trying to find work and helping to care for his ailing grandmother. I was also still trying to heal my body from my recent bout of thyroid disease. In November of 2015, I finally found a suitable job. It was in a gym but it was an administrative position - one that was far below my skill level and pay grade but it was what I needed at the time. I couldn't handle job stress on top of life stress so I accepted one that wouldn't add to the load I was already carrying. For a while, things were good although my husband had a harder time finding work. Thankfully, his parents were helping us out financially but he was getting frustrated. He eventually found some part time, temporary work but nothing permanent so financially we were still struggling. It was at this point that he decided to enter graduate school and I got a promotion at my job. Great things right? Well....shortly after those events, his grandmother passed away. That was hard and I was trying to adjust to a new position that I wasn't sure was right. I took the promotion because it would mean a lot more money and benefits. We needed that. But then, things took a bad turn. Bad luck again? For sure. There was a reshuffling of the deck in our department and before I knew it, both of my bosses whom I loved were gone. I was left to run the department with no support or help and to boot, I had a disagreement with the executive director who then went on to make my life miserable. It was shades of what had happened with my husband that caused our move to NY. To say I was panicked would be an understatement. I think I had a mild form of PTSD. I ended up quitting because I couldn't handle the emotional strain. I did find a job before I quit so I wasn't just walking away with no plan. Thankfully, my husband finally got a full time job with benefits so that was a positive. I was set to start my new job shortly after leaving but then another bad omen. My new boss told me he didn't think he could give me the hours he promised. A few panicked emails back and forth later, I no longer had that job. It was supposed to be a part time job walking dogs until I figured out where I wanted to go next. Turns out, he didn't have the client base. He made promises he couldn't keep.
Ok, at this point it was starting to feel like I must have killed a priest in a former life. Why was life so devastating? And why couldn't both my husband and I thrive at the same time? When one of us was up, the other was down. We are smart, educated, experienced, good hearted people. Was this all really bad luck? I wish I could say that it ended there but it didn't. There is more....
In the winter of 2017, I applied for unemployment because the director of HR in my former job said I should. She said I was exposed to a hostile work environment and I had a very good case. You guessed it, I was denied. I had a little money saved but not much so I could afford to be out of work for a couple of months. Here we go again, I thought. Another period of sending out resumes and running all over the city on interviews. This process was exhausting to say the least. I had a series of pitfalls again. I went all over the place interviewing: one of them required me to travel almost 2 hours to the deep recesses of Brooklyn. I had auditions, 3rd and 4th interviews, written and verbal tests to complete. It was absurd. Oh and did I mention that all of these were part time positions? I did get a fairly decent offer but when I dug deeper, they were going to pay me 30,000 to work 50 -60 hours. Really? No thanks. I would keep searching. During this time, everything I had been through caught up with me. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed I was so tired. I was spiritually tired. Now if you have never experienced this, it is the worst kind of fatigue you can imagine. I wasn't sleeping but I was always tired. I was losing faith. I am a positive person by nature but I was really losing faith. I had no money, I was constantly checking my email to see if I had a new interview lined up and I was laying awake at night worrying about everything. For years now, nothing I was doing seemed to be working. I felt like all I could do was make mistakes. I tried everything to reduce the stress I was under: yoga, brutal cardio workouts, natural sleeping remedies, meditation, journaling, therapy. Yes, I went to therapy during this time and while it helped somewhat, ultimately I didn't feel like the therapist really understood the devastation I was feeling. Somewhere in the spring of 2017, I hit an wall. I just couldn't do anything. I couldn't bring myself to keep job searching. There were days I would just sit in bed and cry. I felt like a complete and utter failure at life. I just couldn't catch a break. At some point, this all had to end right? At some point, good luck had to come to me. God knows I had enough bad luck. The law of averages has to be on my side. It had to!
It is now late June 2017 and I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for the tide to turn. Despite all of the bad breaks, I have hope. Maybe that is utter stupidity but what else do I have if I don't have hope that finally, one of these days I will get a phone call or email with a lucky break. Some people wait their whole lives for a lucky break and maybe that is my fate. God knows other people have it worse and through all of my hardship, I remember to be grateful for what I do have. I mentally run through a list of my blessings every day. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but it doesn't make what I have gone through any less devastating. Is it brave or stupid to keep hoping that one of these days, I will thrive?
I recently completed a course called, "Self discovery through collage." It's basically a combination of art and writing therapy. Since I am a creative soul, I have latched on to this. One of the writing prompts asked me to write about one of my weaknesses: one of the things I am not proud of and hope to change. I wrote about how I feel like I have not gone through all of these "bad luck" trials with grace. I wish I had more grace to accept what has happened to me. I put bad luck in quotes because I'm not sure that is. Yes, it sounded good for the purpose of the post and gave it a common thread but honestly, I know it is not all luck. Some of it is yes. The fire in my apartment building? My cat getting sick and dying? Yes, bad luck. Out of my control. But I made a lot of choices and a lot of bad choices and that is on me to own. I want to own my choices and my mistakes with grace. Up to this point, I am not sure I have. What is life really but a series of lessons to awaken us to who we truly are? Has this all been one big test? What would my grade be coming out of it? An A for effort for sure but conduct? Hmmmm probably a C at best. Isn't it how we respond to what life throws at us more important than the actual events?
With over half of my life over (god willing) what do I want to remember from this half? All of the shitty stuff I just wrote about or how I picked myself up from it all and moved the fuck on? I turned 42 the other day and enough wasting time on bad luck. I need to push all of that aside and create some good luck for a change.
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