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“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

I have been reflecting a lot lately on growth and how past influences present and future. I have also been thinking a lot about what I wrote previously: that I make things far more difficult for myself than need be. When I wrote that, it opened my eyes to a way of being that I hadn't seen in myself before. That is the magic and power of writing - it is better than a shrink at revealing secrets about yourself. I don't allow myself the easy route and maybe its because I don't think I deserve it or somewhere in my mind I believe that good things only come to those who have toiled hard and earned their place. What else explains my absolute disgust at rich people who have not worked for their money? (Kardashians, I'm talking about you!) Maybe because I grew up being taught that you have to work hard in life to get what you want. My Dad worked every day of his adult life sometimes 2 jobs to support a family of 8; my grandparents were immigrants who scrapped and saved every penny just to put food on the table. I come from a family where nothing came easily and even though I have so many more advantages than my parents or grandparents, I still believe I have to toil for what I have.  My parents wanted me to pay my own way through college so I could learn the value of working hard for something. I worked 2 jobs in college to do that but I had a blast. I loved the experience and I loved my jobs in college so where am I getting stuck? I think part of it is that normal and ordinary are curse words to me. I am afraid of being ordinary. I am afraid of playing it safe. When I was in high school, my 3 best friends and I were obsessed with the movie, "Dead Poets Society." That movie preaches the message to always stand out amongst the crowd; to never settle for being the status quo; to "carpe diem." We swallowed that message whole. All four of us vowed to always live this way and did we? I don't know...I guess I don't really know what that means and for everyone it is different. Somehow for me it has translated into me feeling as if what I do is never enough; that I will die with regrets. I already have a long list of things I would like to do someday - is it going to get longer with me never checking off everything on it? What will happen if I never get to Paris or never finish all the books on my list or never get certified as a yoga instructor?Will it make my life any less fulfilling? I came across an article yesterday written by a nurse who takes care of people at the end of their lives.She wrote about the top 5 things the dying wish they had done when they were younger and healthy. There were 2 that stood out for me. The first was wishing for the courage to have a life that was more true to who they were rather than one that others expected of them and the second was a wish that they allowed themselves to be happier. This struck such a chord with me because they are the ones I struggle with one  daily basis and apparently so does the rest of the world. Why do we do this to ourselves? My husband says I love to torture myself; I love to beat myself up for every decision I make and he is right. The message I need to take with me from my high school years is not so much that I have to stand out against a crowd but rather I should live the mantra of "Carpe Diem," Seize the day! I have to try to find joy in every day and celebrate what I have done with my life thus far. I just moved to a great new city that is so much more me than anywhere I have ever lived. I have a fabulous new apartment that my generous in-laws have helped to furnish, my husband only has a 15 minute commute to and from work leaving us more time together and I landed a job that I can walk to 2 weeks before we moved. I have a lot to be grateful for right now. I have waded through a lot of shit to get here so it is well earned and I hope I can take some time to breathe and appreciate it all.  Maybe someday I can start to learn how to be easier on myself, maybe that day is today but probably not. Maybe it will be when I'm finally drinking wine in a cafe in Paris...


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