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Change

Lets see whats new? nothing actually. Work is work. Its not the greatest but its going, I'm still exercising a lot, doing yoga, reading lots of books, watching my favorite shows and trying to sleep a solid 8 hours every night. I'm back into my routine after a couple of weeks of chaos and its nice. I used to be the type of person who thrived on drama: I loved the unexpected, surprises and being impulsive. Life was too boring without drama and believe me I stirred it all up myself. I picked a job that by nature kept me on my toes, I dated many different men none of who kept my interest for very long until my husband came along and I jumped around to different apartments, different activities, different jobs, different friends. If you told me 10 years ago, I would be living in New Jersey, working as a personal trainer, happily married and embracing solitude and peace, I would have laughed for a very long time. Maybe things have changed for me simply because I'm older and wiser or more likely its because I learned a lot through all of my crazy experiences, the most important being that I wasn't happy living with chaos and uncertainty. I think I did all of those things BECAUSE I was unhappy and searching. Living a life that was always busy, whether it be from work or socializing or dating no good guys kept me from really looking at who I was and what I wanted out of life. I'm still not sure but I'm a hell of a lot closer to finding it and I'm definitely happier having settled down and embraced stillness than being endlessly disappointed by every impulsive choice I made that got me further away from contentment. Instead of unwinding with a glass or several of wine, I now do yoga. Instead of hanging out with people who were not mentally healthy, I now spend time only with people who let me be me and who don't stir up drama but instead bring out the best in me. Instead of filling my free time with work or going shopping to boost my self esteem, I cook healthy food and write. Suffice is to say I've changed a lot - I hardly recognize myself sometimes but I'm now closer to the real me than ever before. I used to be angry much of the time or extremely emotional. Now I'm a much more even keeled person. It's not all gone but its ebbing.  I think everything I have gone through in my life has shaped who I am now and although some of it was extremely difficult, I'm better for it. Not all of me has changed of course - I still laugh at fart jokes and get fired up over the Patriots. I still love shoes and sappy movies and wine.  I still love dinners with my friends and Christmas (even though there was a period of a few years where I rejected it). and coffee in the morning and of course a good book at night. I hope that I keep evolving and changing for the better, god knows I still have much to work on but I'm on the right track at least.

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