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Recap of 2015 

Adios 2015...oh boy what a year! On this oh so fresh 2016, I always like to reflect back on the previous year and take away the lessons it taught me. Some were extremely hard lessons and some came more easily but it was truly a year of tremendous growth for me and with growth comes the inevitable pains. I experienced many mini heartbreaks, failures big and small and overwhelming stress when some of life's necessities were taken away. I mean I don't know if one post can encapsulate everything that has happened in these past 12 months but I will give it a go. January, 2015: not much happened if I remember correctly which is the only time I will say that for the rest of this post. We celebrated 4 years of marriage with a wonderful meal at Bobby Flay Steakhouse in Atlantic City but other than that, it was pretty uneventful but wait for it..February came and my husband lost his job in very dramatic fashion. His Dr. Evil of a boss went through a major mid life crisis and took it out on people much better than him. I won't get into the details because he is not worth it. Suffice is to say that I saw pure evil for the first time in my life. After successfully collecting unemployment, my husband was then denied because Dr. Evil decided to fight it which led to a us hiring a lawyer and going through a subsequent trial which lasted through the summer just to receive the money my husband had earned. Thankfully, my job promoted me in March so I was able to foot some of our bills while awaiting the trial. With this promotion, however, came a huge amount of stress. I was not happy at my job to begin with because I struggled with having odd hours, inconsistent paychecks and unhappy clients. And now I had added pressure. I was made fitness manager in charge of the day to day operations of the facility as well as managing the multiple, often dramatic personalities of over 35 trainers. I was essentially on call any time the gym was open which was 16 hours a day. For a time, I was working 7 days a week early mornings and late nights. I would get phone calls at 3am because one of my staff members couldn't make it for her 5am shift or a group instructor didn't show for his 6am class. I was coming home after an early morning shift only to fall right asleep and then have to go back into work at night. I was exhausted all the time and worried about my husbands mental health, terrified that if we lost the trail, we would be responsible for paying back thousands of dollars in unemployment insurance my husband had already collected, and on edge because at any time my phone could ring and I would be called back into work. For months, I didn't enjoy my life at all. This led us to start talking about the future and what we could do to change our very dire circumstances. Despite actively looking for jobs,my husband was having no luck. I was also not making enough to support us alone. We knew something had to change and very quickly. Our lease on our apartment was up in September and we knew we couldn't afford to stay especially since our apartment complex raised our rent. We began considering moving to another part of the country: a place where cost of living was lower and quality of life higher. We set our sights on North Carolina and proceeded to plan a visit and look at the job market. We visited in April and I even had a job interview there but we decided it wasn't for us at least not then. Upon returning, we turned to considering Florida as an option. Sun and warmth all year round sure sounded glorious after the horrific New Jersey winter we had just endured. My in laws very generously paid for a trip to Tampa to check out the area and even more so than North Carolina, we knew it wasn't for us. We felt no connection to Florida and got back on the plane to New Jersey utterly discouraged. I guess we thought that by moving we could turn our lives around but we quickly realized that we had to fix much more than our living quarters to fix what was wrong with our lives.

The only option we had left was to move in with my in laws in the Bronx while we considered our next move. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I turned 40. It is extremely humbling to hit a life milestone and realize that everything you had worked towards your whole life was essentially gone. Come August, we had no apartment of our own, debt up to our ears, over due bills, and only one of us had a job which would soon be gone because moving to New York would prevent me from keeping my job. I have to say that I wasn't too sad about that considering I hated that job and felt no passion for it. We moved in September but not before one more big bombshell was dropped: I got sick again. 2 years prior, I had been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and was happily in remission but with the stress of my life falling apart around me, my illness returned. I was tired, irritable, achy and rapidly losing weight while my blood pressure was shooting higher. I had to go back on medication and try to rest as much as possible. Ha! Try resting when you are in the midst of packing and trying to get your life together. I will tell you that it is pretty much impossible. I felt pretty bad for most of September and October and I was smack in the middle of an extensive job search. I was sending out resumes for hours a day and traipsing all over Manhattan on interviews for jobs I would never have even considered a few months ago. My husband was in the same boat. We did all of this while trying to adapt to living with 3 other people and having very little privacy. Not that my in laws aren't wonderful, generous, loving people because they are that and more but once you have lived on your own for so long, it is very difficult to have to adapt to sharing space especially when it is not your own. We still live out of boxes and that is hard. In October after an exhaustive search, I finally found a job at a non profit fitness facility in Manhattan doing administrative work. I knew I had to take a job that wouldn't further my illness and wouldn't involve commission. Although the job is part time and a step back in my career, I took it because its a  regular schedule and I'm not working with clients so my income is steady.It is not the greatest and not even adequate at times but its paying the bills and that has to be enough for now. In November, my husband also found a job (part time) but one where he isn't pressured and feels at least somewhat appreciated. We also adopted a fourth cat making us borderline car hoarders but we found her wet, starving and flea infested in the driveway and how could we turn her away? She wanted to come in (God only knows why and I mean that literally and figuratively thus the capitalization of the word, God.) So while 2015 was filled with a lot of action, some good and some not so good, I can say with absolute certainty that I learned and grew more than I ever have and find myself in a new place on the cusp on 2016.

Some of the lessons learned during this hard year have truly altered my perception of things and made me stronger yet gentler and more at peace with the natural order of things. During my time at my previous job, I got the chance to do some work that truly fulfilled me despite the day to day grind. We were a medical fitness facility which means that we offered programs to help people with medical conditions improve their conditions through targeted diet changes and exercise. I worked with a wonderful woman who had early onset Alzheimer's disease, several people suffering from type 2 diabetes and heart conditions and I also became certified as a cancer exercise specialist and helped develop a program for patients undergoing treatment for various cancers. While working with these people, something that struck me was how grateful they were to be getting help. Most of them never complained about their condition and they came in every day with such positive energy. One particular woman stands out for me. She was in her mid 70s and had just found out recently that her breast cancer had spread to her bones. She was getting aggressive treatment and was tired and worn out but showed up for every class I taught with a big smile and positive words for everyone around her. She was a true light and I learned so much from watching her. She knew that she had little chance of recovering especially at her age, yet she wanted her last years to be fulfilling. She was one of the kindest people I have ever met. The same was true of my Alzheimers patient. She arrived early for her 2x a week training sessions with me and always, always was smiling. She was the reason I got of bed on those mornings. She knew that there is no cure for her disease, yet she approached life with such a youthful, joyful enthusiasm. Working with the general public everyday, I see so many miserable people. Every day someone complains to me about trivial nonsense: the molding in the ladies room looks dirty, the music is too loud, the towels are too small, etc, etc. It is teaching me to acknowledge every day what is important. I won't lie that it has worn on me and beat me down a little to see how angry we are as a people. We have become a society of complainers. I truly believe its because we feel unfulfilled. Living and working in New York City, the most populous city in the United States has opened my eyes to how unaware our society has become. I see people every day almost get run over trying to cross the street because the have their face buried in their phone. I feel sad that it takes suffering from a major illness for most of us to wake up to what life has to offer.
When life hits with a lot of hard lessons and your basic security and needs aren't being met, you can feel like your back is against the wall. You can also feel very alone which I definitely have felt often in this journey but so many people go through similar trials throughout life and we are never alone. It can feel very personal but I have to remind myself that many couples struggle financially before gaining footing and that Facebook is not a good indication of how our friends lives really are. Judging by Facebook, everyone is happy and fulfilled and has an abundance of things but so often there is a face we show the world and a face we show ourselves and the latter is one of insecurity,pain and self critique. I look at my friends who have houses and great jobs and kids and go on vacations. I have none of those things and at times I feel envious but losing nearly everything taught me to see the magic in the everyday, the joy in small things and the divinity that is all around us.When it comes right down to it we are all deeply flawed humans who feel pain but who also feel joy, sometimes simultaneously. Not all of our journeys are created equally and that is ok. I have to learn to accept my journey; not my friends.

One of the greatest personal triumphs to come out of this year was the discovery of my spirituality. Or I should say rediscovery because it was never really missing; just laying dormant. I have always felt my life was bigger than the every day grind, but I wasn't ready to embrace that until I had nowhere left to turn. This was the year I finally stopped fighting and trying to do it MY way. My way clearly was not working out for me and so I let go and let in an openness to what could be. I didn't find Jesus and I didn't drop to my knees and feel saved. I felt a quiet awareness that although I am a small cog in a huge universe, I am not alone. I believe that there is a plan for all of us and the events of this year were part of my plan. I have become a devotee to meditation and I practice on a daily basis. It has taught me that quieting the mind came bring answers to questions I previously spent beating my head against a wall searching for. It has taught me to be still and quiet and calm when life around me is the exact opposite. It has brought me closer to the divine, god, the universe, the natural order of things. Whatever you want to call it. I don't know what it is and I'm ok with that. I practice yoga every day too as well. I have given up the hardcore workouts that taxed my body to the bone. It just doesn't feel right f or me right now. Perhaps I will return to those sweat fueled workouts soon, perhaps not. Meditation has taught me to listen to that still quiet voice inside that steers me on the right path.And maybe that is the biggest take away from this for me: learning to trust myself and not allowing others to guide my path.  For so long, I tried to be someone else.  Don't we all try to be who others want us to be? I think this will be a constant life lesson for me. I will always care about what others think of me. I'm just trying to take little steps to honor who I really am every day. I always tried to be an outgoing, life of the party extrovert but really the true me is an introvert. I like to be alone- I can spend whole days entertaining myself. I think that is why meditation and yoga speak to me so much. I love to read and write - also solo endeavors. Sure, I like going out with friends and catching up but I do that one on one and not in groups because that gives me anxiety. Hearing this might surprise many of my friends who always thought of me as an extrovert. I hid this side of me for a long time. It is probably why I drank so much in my 20s- liquid courage to be the life of the party everyone expected me to be. It only took me 20 more years to acknowledge that I really don't like playing that role. I much prefer to be alone with a book than out on the town. I'd rather take a solitary walk in nature than down shots at the latest club and if I'm truthful, that has always been me. It has just lay dormant.  Its funny because I had a dream in my 20s to live in New York City - what better place for a girl trying to pretend to be the "it" girl? Great place to hide among the millions of people just like me. Now I am here just as I am learning to embrace the quieter, inner me. Ironic? Maybe, but more god/karma having a good chuckle. Meditation has also taught me to let go of the negativity that permeates so much of life. Like I said before, we have become a society of complainers. I am guilty of it too but it has quieted a great deal since I began my effort to be aware of it and to flip it to look at all of the positives in my life. Sometimes all of this spiritual stuff makes me feel a little nutty - and you may think that I will start burning patchouli and wearing tie dye but I can assure you I won't. I still love my heels and drinking wine at really good restaurants and watching scary TV shows, I just don't put as much importance into all of those things as I used to.

There are still many things I wanted to work on in 2015 that I just didn't. I wanted to be better at keeping in touch with people and I wasn't. I wanted to be better about being kinder to myself when I overindulged or criticized my weight and I wasn't. There are some things that will be lifelong lessons; things I will always need to actively work on to get better. I will also fail a hell of a lot of times. That is ok. I am learning to accept failure as a natural part of life. I'm also accepting that it is time for me to move on from my career in fitness. I have to admit that it just doesn't fit with me. I gave it five years and I am calling it quits. I think I knew this for a while but it is hard to admit failure and especially hard when you put some much into it. I spent a lot of time and money on learning the ins and outs of training and exercise and working with clients and in the end I realized nothing about it resonated with me. Yes I believe in living a healthy lifestyle but I don't want to lecture clients on what to eat anymore and hear people complain that they can't lose the 5 pounds they don't need to lose anyway. I don't want to rely on commission to live and I don't want to work on holidays or at 5am. I got the chance to work with some great people and I don't regret a minute of these past 5 years because of what it taught me and how it humbled me but I also need to honor myself and honor what feels right to me and that is leaving. I have no idea what is on the horizon for me but I am confident I will find it. I am not afraid anymore. Fear dominated my life for many years - how can it not when all of the worse case scenarios I played out in my head actually came to fruition? But because they did and because I am still standing I am no longer afraid of what happens next. My husband and I have also grown together as a couple and with his support of every, single decision I make, I can't lose. He has stood by everything I have done and I have hopefully done the same for me. There is such strength knowing someone loves you and believes in you no matter how messed up life becomes. I am blessed in many, many ways and none of them are material.I feel blessed to have gotten the opportunity to clean the slate of my life. 2015 brought a lot of things crashing down but it also brought opportunities to start again; to rebuild my life and to do it in a way that honors who I am and not the version I want others to see. I may start making decisions that make others unhappy and I have to accept that not everyone will support everything I decide to do with my life but I'm lucky that I have people who always will.