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Snobby New Yorkers

Today I had a conversation about Shakespeare at work. I think its a sign. I have been meditating on what I want to do next in my career. Since acknowledging that I want to move away from the fitness industry, I have been soul searching for what feels authentic to me. Whenever I have been unhappy at my jobs in the past, I always ruminate about going back to school for Literature/Writing. Its been a pipe dream of mine since I can remember and the reason it has never come to fruition is because the logical, realistic side of me convinces me it doesn't make sense. Where am I going to get the money to go to Graduate school? What exactly am I going to do with a Masters in English besides teach or struggle to become a published writer in a world where talent is overlooked for celebrity junk pamphlets? I mean come on, be realistic. The problem is my heart feels pulled towards it and always has. Am I finally at the right time to say fuck it all and take the plunge, just because it FEELS right? I am still struggling with brain/heart decisions obviously. At work, I started chatting with a gentleman about silly stuff but then somehow it turned to Shakespeare because he told me that he teaches Shakespeare for a living. What are the odds that in my upper east side snobby gym someone would engage the receptionist in a conversation about Shakespeare? See, its most definitely a sign. Synchronicity working its magic in my life. He was surprised to hear that I am a former English major and we got to swapping anecdotes about our ignorant society. It was so refreshing and I felt myself start to light up. Usually at work, I feel bogged down. There is no lightness to my step. It is hard when the majority of what you hear all day is complaining. It starts to eat at your soul and makes you feel demoralized but here I was engaging in a conversation that lit my soul up for the first time in a while. I mean if I don't take this and do something with it, I'm the idiot. But here I come to the same obstacle I always come to? How to I make this a reality? What steps can I take to be around the people who can have conversations about the deeper meaning of Macbeth and why Hamlet has never succeeded as a movie? I could have stood there for hours and waxed poetic about these topics yet when someone starts talking to me about which exercise class will be best for her abs, I want to put my head on the table and cry.  I think so many of us don't do the thing we feel the most compelled to do. For me its always been about fear - fear of what I'm not really sure. I'm moving into a place this year where I am not letting fear dominate my decisions. Also why I am blogging about this rather than writing about it in my private notebook. Maybe if I put it out there for the universe to see, it will conspire to help me get closer to where I would like to be. Life working in a gym is petty; the conversations dry and uninspired especially the past 2 I have worked in because they were in wealthy neighborhoods. I was just about to write that I have nothing against rich people but that would be a lie and I'm not into telling lies lately. For the most part, what I hear all day are phrases like: "I don't like that place for getting my hair done...I'm going to try the new place on Madison and 90th." Or, "How do you like that new bistro on 87th?" or "Are you taking yoga today or just Pilates?" I get that I sit at the front when they come in and they are largely making small talk and I probably don't get to hear the deeper conversations but somehow I believe there ARE no deeper conversations. A few of the regulars came out of the elevator yesterday talking about meditation. I was so shocked that they were talking about something real that I stupidly jumped into the conversation only to be told that, "Oh, I was just saying I have tried meditation but I just can't do it. Its not for me." Arggg!! My fault for thinking I could engage in something meaningful. That is why the Shakespeare conversation stands out for me so much. I am used to the dredging pettiness of the lives of the rich. Now, don't get me wrong I am sure there are wonderful, generous, intelligent rich people out there who live meaningful lives. I know there are -I  just happen to be in an environment that promotes very shallow values and that is not vibing with me and the  current place I am in my life. Hence, why I am on the hunt for a new job and a new career path. Not only am I not satisfied with my everyday life at work but I'm restless and agitated with it. I just know there is more meaning to life than this and I"m finally in place where that carries a lot of weight for me. I'm just not willing to waste any more time not spending most of my day doing things that light up my soul. Maybe that sounds corny and idealistic but so what. Yesterday, I was reading my horoscope for the year and I also read my rising sign which I have never done largely because I never understood the meaning of it. Supposedly, your rising sign is the one which dictates the way other people see you. My rising sign is Aries and because of this, people view me as friendly, extroverted, strong and talkative while my true nature is actually very introverted, empathetic and emotional. I was so struck by this because in my last post, I wrote about how my friends who view me as an extrovert would be shocked to know that my true nature is not that. I guess there is something to this rising sign thing. It was so dead on, I was amazed! That is the way people have always seen me and why there has always been conflict for me in the way I live my life. Maybe I need to become more aligned with my true nature and not the facade to truly find the meaning in my life.

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