Evolving Friendships

I've been thinking about friendship lately - mainly woman to woman friendships. This is something I have struggled with in my life and not because I don't want friends or haven't had great ones but because they have been difficult to keep. As we grow, change and evolve so do our relationships and some of them are not meant to last a lifetime. I have had many friends come and go throughout my life and for a long time, I blamed myself for the inability to sustain some of these friendships. I never really had a best friend that stayed with me since childhood or a friend I called every night to discuss the minutia of my day or a group of girls that I went away on trips with every year. I never had bridesmaids and I never was someones maid of honor at their wedding. Growing up I had a close friend that lived next door to me - we played together every day in the summer and then we grew up and grew apart. In college, I had a best friend that definitely made those years a hell of a lot of fun. We went out together every weekend, we talked on the phone at night and we spent many hungover mornings discussing our antics from the previous night. We tried to carry our friendship over to adult hood after graduation but I quickly realized that our friendship didn't age well. Then in my 20s I lived with a friend who helped me through some tough times but when we had tough times of our own, the friendship dissolved. Later in my 20s when I was in the midst of building my professional career, I had a good friend that I met for drinks many nights after work to vent about our mutual dating and work related struggles. Then I got married and she slowly faded from my life. For a long time, I felt bad about these friendships ending, like it was somehow all my fault. I examined what went wrong, what I did or said to make them not want to be in my life anymore or why I didn't want to be in their life anymore. For years, I couldn't find a satisfying answer. As I am evolving and moving into my 40s, I realize that this is part of life. Friendships come and go and maybe there isn't a reason. Maybe these women were in my life at a time when I needed them and when I no longer needed them, they faded away. I also started accepting that who I am does not always fit with the society accepted definition of woman to woman friendship - the one where you call each other every day and talk about every detail of every little thing. I am a solitary person. I like my alone time and my favorite things include reading and doing yoga - both very solitary activities. I never felt like I am missing something from my life because I don't have these close knit friendships. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends and many great friends but I don't often see them and don't even talk to them that regurlarly. I know they are there and that is enough. They are the type of friendships that when I do see them, it feels like no time has passed - they know me - the real me and accept me as is and I do the same for them. With that said, lately I haven been making some new friends and it feels different in your 40s than it does in your 20s. There is a maturity and understanding there that didn't exist in my early friendships. There is also no ego and no sense of competition - no cattiness. I feel like the friendships I have made recently are more pure. I am not hiding anything nor am I trying to impress them. I can hang out with them in my yoga pants, my hair in a pony tail with no makeup on and feel entirely comfortable. I feel like in the 20s, friendships are often based on material things - you gravitate towards the girls who like the same things, wear the same clothes, and think the same way. But sometimes that gets hairy because there is an underlying competition, an insecurity.  I think it stems from the fact that in our 20s we don't really know who we are yet - we haven't yet become comfortable in our own skin. In my 40s, I am comfortable in my skin. For better or worse, this is what you get - extra 5 (or 10) pounds, no makeup and roots showing. We have all led lives, we have families, careers, failures and successes. We have established ourselves in our own skin. I don't compete with these woman and that feels wonderful. The friendships I have now are deep and meaningful but also not as close. I don't have to call them all the time or even hang out with them weekly to feel like we are friends. In my 20s, I can't imagine having survived without the weekly drink dates with my girls. Now, I have friends I chat with at work and occasionally text but we don't have weekly drink dates or marathon phone conversations. I have always felt there is a power in female friendships and having amazing, strong women in my life makes me feel stronger and more capable. The other day at work, I was talking to one of these women who at 39 is working part time and struggling to get by because she lost her job in finance a year ago. She used to live the high life- a great job in NYC where she wore the best clothes and had dinners at the best restaurants. Now, she walks everywhere because she can't afford the cost of a subway ride. These are the things woman my age share openly because they are not afraid to hide their failures. I admire her so much for being so open and honest about her struggles. We think we are alone in what happens to us but that is rarely the truth. Her sharing her story, made it easier for me to share mine and that is a gift. I have a very close friend that I met when I was 29. She is a few years younger and we are still close. I remember times when I hid my struggles from her because I was so envious of the life she had. I have had financial struggles for as long as I can remember now and she comes from a well off family. I held back so often because I thought she would never understand. She would tell me about her weekends where she went to great restaurants and bars and shows or talk about her trips to visit friends in different parts of the country and I would feel less like I was somehow not good enough to be her friend. I was so envious that it hurt. I think then I was embarrassed to not have what she had. I thought somehow, I was at fault for not being as successful at life. She went through a huge life changing event recently and it made me realize that none of that stuff I was envious of mattered. She was hurting and that envy went away. Her cool weekend trips and her funky apartment that she owned didn't shield her from life's hardships. I'm grateful that I am becoming more comfortable in who I am and what I have gone through. I don't want to be embarrassed or ashamed of my struggles but aware that they have made me stronger and wiser and better overall. Sharing these things with other women can open the door to more understanding and isn't that what we could all use a little more of?