The other day I was doing a guided meditation and about 7 minutes in, I found myself thinking, "this is such crap!" I shut it off and went about my day. This sort of scared me but got me thinking about how I have yet to find a balance between being spiritual and being human. For a while I was trying to be loving and kind and positive all the time. When something shitty would happen, I would take some deep breathes, center myself and move on but after a while of doing this, I realized that I wasn't allowing the emotions I was feeling at the time to flow through me and release. Recently, I've been getting angry at everything. I feel less than spiritual let me tell you. I was making potatoes last night and when I shook the pepper into it, the whole container dumped into the mixture essentially ruining the potatoes I had just spent over 45 minutes baking. I had to fight not to throw the pepper across the room. I took a few moments and then asked my husband calmly for help. The struggle I am having right now is how to react without going to the extreme. Either I was going to pray over the potatoes or throw the bowl. Can I just admit that it sucked I ruined it, let out a slew of curses and move on? Apparently not because I have no balance in my life right now.
Is it possible to be spiritual and still do hurtful things? Of course! It is part of being human. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. We all get angry and sad and frustrated. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how I incorporate aspects of being spiritual into a very non spiritual world. The world we live in today is so ego drive, so gritty and dirty and mean. Its been proving very hard for me lately to remain peaceful and calm and loving in the environment I am in. I go through phases where none of the petty day to day bullshit bothers me. I brush it off, take a breath and move on. Currently I am not in that phase. I am in the phase of everything getting to me. When I am like this, I lose focus. In the last 2 weeks, I have spilled water inside my backpack 3 times. Yes you read that right, not once, not twice but 3 separate times! Then there was the incident with the pepper in the potatoes and then this morning, I left my work ID badge at home which I have never done. My mind is not screwed into my head right now.When I try to meditate, I either fall asleep or my mind is thinking about what I am going to make for dinner. If I try to bring it back, it focuses for 2 seconds and then I'm back to whether its chicken or fish for dinner. Its frustrating but I have to be patient. Life is not linear. There will be steps backwards in our forward journey of growth and discovery. I am experiencing a halt in my journey towards deeper spirituality. I am questioning some of the things I firmly believed a month ago. Maybe these halts are meant to slow us down enough to reflect upon what we have learned. I do believe that life gives us exactly what we need when we need it most. Buying into this theory means I am meant to be experiencing this imbalance. It is forcing me to be introspective. I'm digging deep to see what I want the rest of my life to look like.
I turn 41 next month and that means my life is most likely more than halfway over. I am proud of what I did with the first half but there is so much left undone. I want to be even more proud of the next 40 years if I get lucky enough to get that much time. I want adventure and fun and excitement and love and joy. I have not allowed myself much of that in the last few years. Through my introspection, I have realized that the work I choose to do in the next couple of years needs to take a backseat to the LIFE I choose. What I mean by that is my time outside of work needs to mean more. I need to take more walks, spend more time in nature, go on more trips, spend more time with family., rest more, read more books, go swimming in the ocean, experience other cultures. For a while, I thought I wanted to go back to school but now I know that my classroom will be experiencing the world, stepping outside of my comfort zone, feeding my soul with things that bring me joy. I was telling my husband last night that I really do want to go to Costa Rica and build a house. Then I want to go to Africa and work with elephants and then eat and drink my way through Europe and then maybe go spend some time in the motherland: Lithuania. Then after that, I want to visit an ashram in India and meditate with Buddhist monks. Some of the coolest people I have ever met in life are the ones who have spent time experiencing what the world has to offer. I want to be one of those people. I also believe firmly that this is part of my spiritual path - I am meant to learn who I am spiritually by having these experiences. Maybe then, I will gain the balance I am seeking. My first step is to apply to be on "Survivor." I have joked about doing this for years but now it seems like it fits into exactly what I am talking about - an adventure of a lifetime and instead of having to shell out money I don't have I may walk away a millionaire. Sounds like a win win (win).
Is it possible to be spiritual and still do hurtful things? Of course! It is part of being human. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. We all get angry and sad and frustrated. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how I incorporate aspects of being spiritual into a very non spiritual world. The world we live in today is so ego drive, so gritty and dirty and mean. Its been proving very hard for me lately to remain peaceful and calm and loving in the environment I am in. I go through phases where none of the petty day to day bullshit bothers me. I brush it off, take a breath and move on. Currently I am not in that phase. I am in the phase of everything getting to me. When I am like this, I lose focus. In the last 2 weeks, I have spilled water inside my backpack 3 times. Yes you read that right, not once, not twice but 3 separate times! Then there was the incident with the pepper in the potatoes and then this morning, I left my work ID badge at home which I have never done. My mind is not screwed into my head right now.When I try to meditate, I either fall asleep or my mind is thinking about what I am going to make for dinner. If I try to bring it back, it focuses for 2 seconds and then I'm back to whether its chicken or fish for dinner. Its frustrating but I have to be patient. Life is not linear. There will be steps backwards in our forward journey of growth and discovery. I am experiencing a halt in my journey towards deeper spirituality. I am questioning some of the things I firmly believed a month ago. Maybe these halts are meant to slow us down enough to reflect upon what we have learned. I do believe that life gives us exactly what we need when we need it most. Buying into this theory means I am meant to be experiencing this imbalance. It is forcing me to be introspective. I'm digging deep to see what I want the rest of my life to look like.
I turn 41 next month and that means my life is most likely more than halfway over. I am proud of what I did with the first half but there is so much left undone. I want to be even more proud of the next 40 years if I get lucky enough to get that much time. I want adventure and fun and excitement and love and joy. I have not allowed myself much of that in the last few years. Through my introspection, I have realized that the work I choose to do in the next couple of years needs to take a backseat to the LIFE I choose. What I mean by that is my time outside of work needs to mean more. I need to take more walks, spend more time in nature, go on more trips, spend more time with family., rest more, read more books, go swimming in the ocean, experience other cultures. For a while, I thought I wanted to go back to school but now I know that my classroom will be experiencing the world, stepping outside of my comfort zone, feeding my soul with things that bring me joy. I was telling my husband last night that I really do want to go to Costa Rica and build a house. Then I want to go to Africa and work with elephants and then eat and drink my way through Europe and then maybe go spend some time in the motherland: Lithuania. Then after that, I want to visit an ashram in India and meditate with Buddhist monks. Some of the coolest people I have ever met in life are the ones who have spent time experiencing what the world has to offer. I want to be one of those people. I also believe firmly that this is part of my spiritual path - I am meant to learn who I am spiritually by having these experiences. Maybe then, I will gain the balance I am seeking. My first step is to apply to be on "Survivor." I have joked about doing this for years but now it seems like it fits into exactly what I am talking about - an adventure of a lifetime and instead of having to shell out money I don't have I may walk away a millionaire. Sounds like a win win (win).
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