The buzzword of the moment seems to be mindfulness. Everywhere I turn, there is mention of this - in the podcasts I listen to, in the articles I read, in my guided meditations and during yoga. It means essentially staying present in every moment and not projecting your mind into thoughts of the past or future. This is extremely challenging. I am struggling with this lately. My mind has been obsessing over what steps I want to take in my life next but also what mistakes I have made in my past that have gotten me to the present moment. I haven't been meditating as much lately and that is one of the reasons why my mind seems to be wandering so much. It is not being trained properly. I have also only done yoga 2x this week which is highly unusual for me. I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted and so because of this I have neglected many of the things that typically keep me sane. I am trying not to beat myself up over my lack of motivation but it is where my mind goes when I am not diligent about staying present. I have had a tough week at work and a tough week on myself. There are times in life where we start questioning choices we have made and I am going through one of those phases now. I want to be productive about it and in a sense I guess I am by writing but I feel blocked by emotion and exhaustion. .I felt myself fall back into old patterns and its why I'm ruminating on my past. I had been doing so well - committing fully to my yoga practice, eating really healthfully, sleeping, meditating, writing -in many aspects of my life taking excellent care of myself. Then I had a night this week where I went out with a friend and drank one too many drinks and came home late and couldn't function the next day. It brought me back to the patterns of behavior I exhibited in my 20s and 30s and got me thinking...do we really change or is it just a facade? Am I still self destructive? Is that a part of my personality that will forever follow me? No matter how hard I fight it, will it rear its ugly head when I am least expecting it? I felt bad for days after. Why? Because I didn't stick to my strict healthy plan? Or was it because it reminded me of the person I used to be and that person caused a lot of destruction and pain? I believe this past behavior reared its ugly head because I am struggling with the present and worried about the future. It is all connected. When I am consciously staying mindful, I am not dwelling on the past or forecasting whats to come. I am able to appreciate what is happening in each moment whether it be drinking my first cup of coffee in the morning, smelling the fresh tulips in the park or getting caught up in my favorite show. This week, I am just going through the motions. My coffee is the jolt I need to wake me up, my mind is distracted when watching, "Game of Thrones." and I have trouble sleeping because my mind is not shutting off enough to allow restfulness to occur. When I get like this, I need to be forgiving of myself, to be gentle and kind and loving. I need to read books, meditate, get back to yoga, take walks outside and drink smoothies. And especially write. Writing has always been the best way I know to express my feelings and release what is trapped inside.
There exists in me a part that is so afraid of dying with regrets that I make questionable choices sometimes. I just want to feel life so passionately. I want each moment to count and when I get into a pattern of routine, inevitably I break that routine in a dramatic way. I am always seeking out experiences that will make my life fun and exciting. Last year, my sister and I spent the weekend in NYC together (this was before I lived here) and we went to a jazz club and stayed up until 5am drinking champagne, dancing and meeting interesting people. I felt awful for 2 days but it was one of the most fun nights I have ever had. I think on that night with very fond memories but also with a twinge of guilt. The part of me that loves beating myself up says, "you are too old to be staying up all night," " do you know how many empty calories you just consumed with all of that champagne?" "was it worth feeling like crap for 2 days of your life?" I am doing the same thing to myself now after my Tuesday impromptu night out. What business did I have going out on a work night and calling in sick the next day because I was too tired and hungover to be at work? Can I think on the good things that happened over these nights? what would happen if I start dwelling on how much fun I had, the cool people I met, the deeper connections I forged with the people I was with that night? Could I perhaps enjoy life more? No, not that! The nerve of me! Someone in me is a guilt chip -an invisible chip that activates in my brain when I do something out of routine and tells me I have no right to have adventure and excitement in my life. Is it because I was raised Catholic and that awful Catholic guilt follows you the rest of your life like a dark shadow? It can't be just that. Maybe its a need for approval. Having 7 siblings sometimes makes you feel as if you lost in a crowd and so maybe I seek approval by trying to be "good" ? Who the hell knows...this will take years of therapy to uncover and I'd rather write about it and talk about it over lots of wine with my girlfriends. What will be a lifelong process for me is forgiveness and acceptance of myself despite all of my flaws. We all have lapses in judgement and lapses in our healthy lifestyles from time to time. Its called balance. I wish I could learn someday to not be so hard on myself about having a crazy night out once in a while. Maybe when I'm 80 and I physically can't dance all night and drink 12 glasses of champagne. Na, I'll probably still try.
There exists in me a part that is so afraid of dying with regrets that I make questionable choices sometimes. I just want to feel life so passionately. I want each moment to count and when I get into a pattern of routine, inevitably I break that routine in a dramatic way. I am always seeking out experiences that will make my life fun and exciting. Last year, my sister and I spent the weekend in NYC together (this was before I lived here) and we went to a jazz club and stayed up until 5am drinking champagne, dancing and meeting interesting people. I felt awful for 2 days but it was one of the most fun nights I have ever had. I think on that night with very fond memories but also with a twinge of guilt. The part of me that loves beating myself up says, "you are too old to be staying up all night," " do you know how many empty calories you just consumed with all of that champagne?" "was it worth feeling like crap for 2 days of your life?" I am doing the same thing to myself now after my Tuesday impromptu night out. What business did I have going out on a work night and calling in sick the next day because I was too tired and hungover to be at work? Can I think on the good things that happened over these nights? what would happen if I start dwelling on how much fun I had, the cool people I met, the deeper connections I forged with the people I was with that night? Could I perhaps enjoy life more? No, not that! The nerve of me! Someone in me is a guilt chip -an invisible chip that activates in my brain when I do something out of routine and tells me I have no right to have adventure and excitement in my life. Is it because I was raised Catholic and that awful Catholic guilt follows you the rest of your life like a dark shadow? It can't be just that. Maybe its a need for approval. Having 7 siblings sometimes makes you feel as if you lost in a crowd and so maybe I seek approval by trying to be "good" ? Who the hell knows...this will take years of therapy to uncover and I'd rather write about it and talk about it over lots of wine with my girlfriends. What will be a lifelong process for me is forgiveness and acceptance of myself despite all of my flaws. We all have lapses in judgement and lapses in our healthy lifestyles from time to time. Its called balance. I wish I could learn someday to not be so hard on myself about having a crazy night out once in a while. Maybe when I'm 80 and I physically can't dance all night and drink 12 glasses of champagne. Na, I'll probably still try.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You have come a long way and there's nothing wrong with an occasional slip-up. Are the after-affects worth it? You know that night in NYC was a definite YES! We will probably never have another night like that again.
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