Yesterday I had a breakdown. A legitimate crying, blubbering, screaming mess of a breakdown. I had another run in with the executive director of my company. She persists in treating me as if I am a child that is hard of hearing. She has no respect for me or for any of her employees and it finally got to me. I snapped at her and then when I got home, I lost it to my husband who was more than understanding and supportive. I am tired of taking shit from people who have no understanding or caring of others. The way she was treating me was reminiscent of the way my husbands boss used to treat him and that situation caused a chain of events that we are still recovering from. Whatever was building inside me over the last few months or even years let loose in a barrage of emotion last night. I have to say that it felt very cleansing and liberating. Cleansing because releasing emotion that has been bottled up for so long is always a good thing and liberating because I realized that no matter the outcome, I have no more fear for the future. I know that I will be fine because I have been through much worse and come out the other end not only fine, but better.
I went online this morning at work and searched the Habitat for Humanity website. I want to go DO something with my time. It hit me that part of my unrest and irritability lately has to do with not feeling like I am contributing to society in any meaningful way. Working with rich people who get angry about petty bullshit is causing me to lose some perspective on what really matters to me. I spent a large portion of my young adult life in service of others. I worked with low income kids and families in some of the poorest, most under served schools in Boston for 8 years. It was bone crushing work but at the end of every excruciatingly long day, I felt really good about myself. I knew I was helping people who really needed it. I knew I was making a difference in a lot of young lives. I knew my place in society. Part of why I feel so lost lately is that I don't feel any of that anymore. Since I have started my career in fitness, I have done things I am proud of like working with cancer patients, running a kid fitness program and guiding unprivileged seniors through workouts but it is only in fits and starts that I have done this. It has not been constant.
I was telling a co-worker about how I want to go to Costa Rica and build houses and he asked me why I want to do that with my free time. My answer was that it is part of me to always be looking to help others in some way. I have always been a save the world type of gal. I had a psychic reading recently and she told me that I am no longer content to live the life I have been living and she was so right. She told me it would be good for me to spend the next year or so with like minded people. That reading was about 6 months ago and I am now really understanding what she meant. I haven't yet found my tribe - the people who feel and think the same way I do. I think that's another reason why I feel so lost. Many of us get to a point in our lives where we just can't take one more second of living a life that is not authentic. I was sitting at my in laws house the other day for mothers day surrounded by these people that have become my family over the last 8 years and it hit me that they really don't know me. They have been around me for a good chunk of time without understanding who I am and what makes me tick. That is not their fault - it is mine. I have chosen to only show them part of me. I don't share my dreams and hopes and fears with them. With the exception of my mother in law, none of them have ever read my writing which is the truest expression of me that I could ever give. Its odd to be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I have done this with my own family at times. I guess it is a form of protection and conservation. Why do I feel the need to do this? Maybe because I feel like my views on life are so different and they will judge me for it. They know I practice yoga regularly but they don't know how entrenched in the practice I am. They know I don't want children but have never asked me why. They know that I work in fitness but they don't know its because I struggled with my weight and body image for many years and this has been healing for me. They know that I don't go to church but they don't know that I am deeply spiritual. This has really got me thinking about how much we know about those we surround ourselves with. Do we only know surface level things or do we really understand what makes them laugh, or cry? What do they get angry about? What are their pet peeves? We may know how they take their coffee but never know what they hold most dear in this world. I find this sort of sad. We all wear many faces and are many things to many people but can all of our personalities co-exist at one time? For me the answer has been a resounding no. I suck at it. There are so few people in my life that I can really be myself with - these are the people I feel comfortable around and aren't judging me. There are even fewer that I can tell everything to. I have many friends that I feel comfortable with and are non judgmental but I still hold back things. Why is it so hard to find people who you can really be yourself with? I can't be the only one struggling with this. We bring our own beliefs and morals and judgement into every relationship we have so when someone doesn't share the same views, we can shut down. I have done this many times.
I have a sister who is a born again Christian. She and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to religion. One night we had a discussion about religion (NEVER AGAIN!) and she got really angry at me because I walked away from the church at 18 and she assumed I never gave religion another thought. I was amazed that she never even gave a passing thought to the idea that I may have explored other religions. Just because I didn't share my spiritual journey with her, doesn't mean that I didn't give a lot of thought to my decisions. Did she think because I chose not to be Christian anymore that I was an atheist doomed to spend eternity in the fiery pits of hell? According to her, Christianity is the only true choice so she didn't want to hear that I spent many hours of my adult life exploring my own identity when it comes to what I believe in. My point here is that people come to you with their own beliefs and project them on us. We are constantly being bombarded with other peoples thoughts, beliefs and ideas and so it is very easy to shut up and shut down. Maybe I just haven't had enough confidence in myself up to this point to proudly share all of the aspects of who I am.
My whole point in writing all of this is that I need to find people who get me; who share similar world views and passions. I need to feel a deeper connection to the world that is beyond the mundane routine my life has become. I will die a slow death if I just wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV and go to bed. Actually, if I am doing that, I am already dead. Maybe this is part of the reason for my emotional breakdown - abject fear that I have become ordinary; swallowed up by the mundane. So many people live like this though and it makes me incredibly sad. There is so much joy to be had - so much beauty to be experienced - we just have to see it. I need to be around other people who see it. If we only exist in our little bubble, we limit ourselves and I'm tired of limiting myself. I am awakening to how I want my life to look and maybe I am not quite ready to take the steps to get there but as sure as hell know that I need to change something. Maybe the answer is not hopping on a plane to Costa Rica but maybe it is. Travel is one of the best ways to shift your perspective and open up to new ways of thinking and seeing the world not just in a literal sense but in a metaphorical, spiritual sense. Too bad the trip to Costa Rica will cost me over $2,000. Yikes! I will have to come up with some ways that I can expand my horizons here in New York City. I mean I live in the biggest city in the U.S. If I can't find my tribe here, than I am not looking hard enough!
I went online this morning at work and searched the Habitat for Humanity website. I want to go DO something with my time. It hit me that part of my unrest and irritability lately has to do with not feeling like I am contributing to society in any meaningful way. Working with rich people who get angry about petty bullshit is causing me to lose some perspective on what really matters to me. I spent a large portion of my young adult life in service of others. I worked with low income kids and families in some of the poorest, most under served schools in Boston for 8 years. It was bone crushing work but at the end of every excruciatingly long day, I felt really good about myself. I knew I was helping people who really needed it. I knew I was making a difference in a lot of young lives. I knew my place in society. Part of why I feel so lost lately is that I don't feel any of that anymore. Since I have started my career in fitness, I have done things I am proud of like working with cancer patients, running a kid fitness program and guiding unprivileged seniors through workouts but it is only in fits and starts that I have done this. It has not been constant.
I was telling a co-worker about how I want to go to Costa Rica and build houses and he asked me why I want to do that with my free time. My answer was that it is part of me to always be looking to help others in some way. I have always been a save the world type of gal. I had a psychic reading recently and she told me that I am no longer content to live the life I have been living and she was so right. She told me it would be good for me to spend the next year or so with like minded people. That reading was about 6 months ago and I am now really understanding what she meant. I haven't yet found my tribe - the people who feel and think the same way I do. I think that's another reason why I feel so lost. Many of us get to a point in our lives where we just can't take one more second of living a life that is not authentic. I was sitting at my in laws house the other day for mothers day surrounded by these people that have become my family over the last 8 years and it hit me that they really don't know me. They have been around me for a good chunk of time without understanding who I am and what makes me tick. That is not their fault - it is mine. I have chosen to only show them part of me. I don't share my dreams and hopes and fears with them. With the exception of my mother in law, none of them have ever read my writing which is the truest expression of me that I could ever give. Its odd to be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I have done this with my own family at times. I guess it is a form of protection and conservation. Why do I feel the need to do this? Maybe because I feel like my views on life are so different and they will judge me for it. They know I practice yoga regularly but they don't know how entrenched in the practice I am. They know I don't want children but have never asked me why. They know that I work in fitness but they don't know its because I struggled with my weight and body image for many years and this has been healing for me. They know that I don't go to church but they don't know that I am deeply spiritual. This has really got me thinking about how much we know about those we surround ourselves with. Do we only know surface level things or do we really understand what makes them laugh, or cry? What do they get angry about? What are their pet peeves? We may know how they take their coffee but never know what they hold most dear in this world. I find this sort of sad. We all wear many faces and are many things to many people but can all of our personalities co-exist at one time? For me the answer has been a resounding no. I suck at it. There are so few people in my life that I can really be myself with - these are the people I feel comfortable around and aren't judging me. There are even fewer that I can tell everything to. I have many friends that I feel comfortable with and are non judgmental but I still hold back things. Why is it so hard to find people who you can really be yourself with? I can't be the only one struggling with this. We bring our own beliefs and morals and judgement into every relationship we have so when someone doesn't share the same views, we can shut down. I have done this many times.
I have a sister who is a born again Christian. She and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to religion. One night we had a discussion about religion (NEVER AGAIN!) and she got really angry at me because I walked away from the church at 18 and she assumed I never gave religion another thought. I was amazed that she never even gave a passing thought to the idea that I may have explored other religions. Just because I didn't share my spiritual journey with her, doesn't mean that I didn't give a lot of thought to my decisions. Did she think because I chose not to be Christian anymore that I was an atheist doomed to spend eternity in the fiery pits of hell? According to her, Christianity is the only true choice so she didn't want to hear that I spent many hours of my adult life exploring my own identity when it comes to what I believe in. My point here is that people come to you with their own beliefs and project them on us. We are constantly being bombarded with other peoples thoughts, beliefs and ideas and so it is very easy to shut up and shut down. Maybe I just haven't had enough confidence in myself up to this point to proudly share all of the aspects of who I am.
My whole point in writing all of this is that I need to find people who get me; who share similar world views and passions. I need to feel a deeper connection to the world that is beyond the mundane routine my life has become. I will die a slow death if I just wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV and go to bed. Actually, if I am doing that, I am already dead. Maybe this is part of the reason for my emotional breakdown - abject fear that I have become ordinary; swallowed up by the mundane. So many people live like this though and it makes me incredibly sad. There is so much joy to be had - so much beauty to be experienced - we just have to see it. I need to be around other people who see it. If we only exist in our little bubble, we limit ourselves and I'm tired of limiting myself. I am awakening to how I want my life to look and maybe I am not quite ready to take the steps to get there but as sure as hell know that I need to change something. Maybe the answer is not hopping on a plane to Costa Rica but maybe it is. Travel is one of the best ways to shift your perspective and open up to new ways of thinking and seeing the world not just in a literal sense but in a metaphorical, spiritual sense. Too bad the trip to Costa Rica will cost me over $2,000. Yikes! I will have to come up with some ways that I can expand my horizons here in New York City. I mean I live in the biggest city in the U.S. If I can't find my tribe here, than I am not looking hard enough!
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